Buffy the Cliche Slayer
by Steve-0
Summary: FINISHED! Buffy, Willow, Xander, Giles, Anya, and Spike are trapped inside a magic 8ball by an estranged fanfic writer who forces them to visit various fanfic genres. Special guest appearances in the prologue by almost every Buffy ally!
1. Prologue: Dying is Easy, Writing Fanfic

Author's Note: Do you like me? Circle one: Yes or No

Author' Real Note: Hey fanfic readers, writers, etc. The Cliché series is one I started in another forum that went over really well over there, so I'm bringing it here. I must remind all those without a sense of humor that THIS IS PARODY! I am not making fun of you. I think anyone who can weave together a fantastic well-written fiction regardless of what form the plot takes is incredibly creative and a far better person than I am because all I can write are these silly little novelty fanfics. So before you flame me, let me just say "Parody is the greatest form of flattery." Mark Twain. Also, this is my first Buffy fanfic, so I'm not hip to all the lingo yet, but I'm working on it.

DISCLAIMER: According to my lawyers, just because I own a Buffy poster does not mean I own Buffy. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions. Anybody else I bring up in the story aside from myself is probably not my creation either, but I'm too lazy to do the disclaimers. That all being said cue the music...

Buffy the Cliché Slayer

By Steve-0

Prologue:

"Dying twice is Easy, Writing Fanfiction is Hard."

It was a sunny day in Sunnydale, when our lovely protagonist, Miss Buffy Summers, entered the Magic Box. The magic box for all those not familiar with the series is a store that sells magical items, and is not an actual box of magic. Anyway, it was a day just like any other. Giles was researching some demonic cult. Xander was researching a comic book. Willow was practicing her spells, and changing her hair color from red to black to white and back to red again. Anya was minding the register with a bored expression. Dawn was out in the back alley stealing hubcaps. Spike was pouring himself a brandy at the nearby table, and chasing it with a cup of yak's blood that he drank out of a "World's Best Watcher." coffee mug.

Tara stared off into space; she had no personality, because her creator forgot to give her one. Oz stared at Tara wondering why his ex- girlfriend, Willow was dating a limp dish towel shaped like a mousy young woman. Kennedy sat next to Oz wondering the same thing. Faith was off in another room either killing someone or sleeping with them. Nobody seemed to care which, because that's the way Faith was and that's what she did. Riley sat across from Spike with his right palm face down on the table. He stared at Buffy while he tried to stab between the spaces around his fingers with the knife he held in his left hand. He later realized that he was right- handed after cutting off half his pinky. Riley then ran into the bathroom crying and holding onto his bloody hand. Poor Riley, he never was that bright. Joyce and Miss Calendar sat near Giles staring lovingly at him.  
Cordelia sat near the counter staring lovingly into a handheld mirror at all the magnificence that was her.

Wesley was underfoot of Giles. (FYI: "Underfoot" is an Old English term meaning "being in the way." Nobody uses the term today except grandparents.) "Someday I'll be a respectable character like Giles..." Wes thought "...but it won't be on this series." Andrew sulked in the corner, he realized that he was the least liked of the three geeks, and now he was the only one left. This left him feeling unoriginal and out of place. Now he was nothing more than a geekier version of Xander, and maybe a little gay. Angel sat at the same table as Spike and Riley polishing off his seventh box of ox blood Twinkies. Hiatus had not been kind to the "vampire with a soul." Now he looked more like the "vampire with a roll." Kendra and Principal Wood stood in background and shook their heads in disgust. This was probably the only show on UPN that doesn't have a strong black character to back it up. "Hell, at least Angel had Gunn!"

They thought. Buffy walked into the Magic Box and surveyed the sight of all her comrades, past, present, and future, furrowed her cute little brow, pouted her little Buffy lips and yelled

"Giles, what the hell is going on here?"

Giles looked up from his book, and adjusted his glasses.

"I'm not quite sure. It seems to be some sort of disruption in the space-time continuum. I'm looking up demons that might have that kind of power but thus far, I haven't found any being that powerful."

"Did you try Jerrod's Book of Spooky Things?" Wesley asked slamming a tome that was obviously too large for him to carry down in front of Giles.

"Yes, for the fifth time I've all ready looked at that one, now will you please leave me alone and go bug Cordelia. She's legal now!" Giles snapped at the bumbling watcher.

Wesley sighed. "It's just not the same."

"I don't see what the problem is, Buff? So the Magic Box is a little crowded." Xander asked his eyes not leaving his comic.

"Are you serious Xander?" Buffy exclaimed.

"My mom, Kendra, Tara, Miss Calendar, Anya, and for all I know Spike are dead! Cordie is in a coma, and Riley's married and working for the military. Wesley is working in LA with Angel and is nothing like the old Wesley who we knew back in high school. Oz left us a long time ago, and the worst of all Angel got fat."

"Um...that's not a time disruption thing, I just have been letting myself go lately." Angel said sheepishly.

"And the really weird thing is Sunnydale is supposed to be a hole in the ground! It was destroyed during our battle with the First!" Buffy yelled.

"None of this makes sense. Everyone acts like they're either from a different time period, or they're just not in character at all. It's like something's ruined the...ruined the..."As Buffy searched for the word to describe the strange happenings, a magic 8 ball rolled off the shelf, onto the floor, and touched her foot.

I THINK THE WORD YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR IS CONTINUITY. EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTINUITY.

The ball said. Buffy jumped, and took a fighting stance against the 8-ball.

"Who are you? What do you want? You picked the wrong gal to mess with, don't you know I'm the—"

SLAYER? YES I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. AS FOR YOUR QUESTIONS SHAKE THE BALL AND ALL WILL BE REVEALED.

Buffy picked up the strange orb, and stared at it with uncertainness.

"Maybe you should ask it a question. I use to have one of those and it just answered Yes or No questions. Mine never talked though." Willow said. "

Can I trust you?" Buffy asked the 8-ball.

ALL SIGNS POINT TO YES. NOW SHAKE THE DAMN BALL!

"Buffy be careful we don't know what kind of arcane forces are at work here!" Giles warned while he did some random British guy fidgeting.

"I can't help it, it's like I don't have control of my own body."

Buffy said as she gave the ball a good shake. Blue light blasted from the plastic opening of the toy, followed by a phantasmal mist. When the smoke cleared, a tall, reed-thin man appeared dressed in a tuxedo.

FREE AT LAST! NOW TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION AS TO WHOM I AM AND WHAT IS GOING ON. I AM YOUR WRITER.

"No you're not." Anya said.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

"You're not Joss. Joss is a fat guy with glasses. You don't have glasses and you look like an extra from Schindler's List." Anya bluntly pointed out.

NO I'M NOT JOSS WHEDON, I'M A FANFIC WRITER. WELL, ACTUALLY I'M A HUMOR FANFIC WRITER. (WE'RE SLIGHTLY LOWER ON THE TOTEM.)

"Wait a tick, are sure this isn't part of the series, and you're not some baddie playing with our heads?" Spike asked.

OH I'M SURE OF THAT. YOU SEE YOU'RE SHOW'S BEEN CANCELLED FOR MONTHES. IF IT WASN'T FOR FANFIC WRITERS (AND THE ANGEL SPIN-OOF) YOUR CHARACTER'S WOULD HAVE FADED INTO OBSCURITY LIKE MOESHA.

"Well, actually the fact that the characters haven't faded into obscurity is 99.9 because of the Angel spin-off, and like say 0.1 fanfic writers." Angel stated. He's such a fat little know-it-all.

WHATEVER THE POINT IS I'M WRITING YOU ALL INTO THIS FANFIC AND THAT'S WHY THE CONTINUITY IS ALL MESSED UP. YOU SEE EVERY FANFIC WRITER HAS TO DECIDE WHICH CHARACTERS TO USE AND FROM WHEN IN THE SERIES THEY CAME FROM. TIME IS VERY IMPORTANT IN THIS SERIES ESPECIALLY SINCE THE CHARACTERS ENTIRE PERSONALITIES CHANGE FROM SEASON TO SEASON. FOR EXAMPLE, DO I USE WHINY BUFFY FROM 6TH SEASON OR BITCHY, SPEACH GIVING BUFFY FROM 7TH, OR DITZY BLONDE BUFFY FROM 1ST, OR...

"Ok, ok we get the point. But wouldn't a good writer use characters that were from the same time period so people wouldn't get confused?" Buffy asked.

"What makes you think he's a good writer?" Anya asked.

HEY NOW!

"Anya has a point. I mean 'pouted her little Buffy lips.' Who writes like that?" Xander scoffed.

I...UH...WAS MAKING FUN OF WRITING STYLES.

"Then why does the whole thing start out in the style of being written by a bloody fourth grader?"

Spike noted as he struck a match to light his cigarette.

"Yeah and I don't think phantasmal is even a word." Willow noted.

"Yeah and if this is a humor fic, shouldn't it be, I don't know, funny? You're going for slightly annoying at best right now." Buffy retorted.

"I'm not even going to think about the amount of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors." Giles said with disgust.

I DON'T HAVE SPELL CHECK.

"Plus he mentioned Buffy going into the magic box three times, like the reader didn't get it the first two." Xander explained.

"I think that was to distract us from the lack of content of the story thus far."

OK THAT DOES IT THE STORY DOESN'T EVEN START TILL NOW.

Poof Wesley, Cordelia, Miss Calendar, Oz, Tara, Joyce, Dawn, Faith, Kennedy, Kendra, Principal Wood, and Riley disappeared, leaving only Giles, Willow, Xander, Anya, Angel, Spike, and Buffy left staring awestruck at sheer omnipotent power of the estranged fanfic writer.

"You just called yourself estranged." Anya said.

Ok maybe awestruck wasn't the right word.

RIGHT NOW I AM ESTRANGED! I'M NEVER GOING TO DO THIS SELF INSERTION THING AGAIN.

"Self-insertion?" Buffy asked

IT'S WHERE THE AUTHOR INSERTS HIMSELF OR HERSELF INTO THE STORY.

"Wow how pathetically self-conscious do you have to be, to insert yourself into a story about fictional characters?" Xander pondered aloud.

"Aww, I think it's kinda sad. Those people probably can't tell fantasy from reality." Willow sighed.

YES IT REALLY IS A TRAGIC GENRE OF FANFICT--HEY! I'M WRITING A SELF- INSERTION FIC!

"And you're doing a great job too." Anya said condescendingly.

I'M STARTING THE STORY NOW!

"'Bout bloody time."

And so the even more estranged author picked the Magic 8-ball up off the ground and pointed it at the seven heroes. It began to glow with the unholy light as it opened a vortex that sucked six of the heroes inside one by one. But when the 8-ball reached Angel, it just sputtered loudly and fell to the ground. The Magic Box was gone now all that remained was a vastness white void. The author and Angel just stood there staring at each other

"What happened?" Angel asked.

I THINK YOU WERE TOO HEAVY FOR IT TO SUCK YOU IN.

"Great just what I need, first Spike steals my show, and now I'm too fat for fanficton." Angel brooded.

YOU CAN HANG OUT IN THIS CHAPTER ABOUT SELF-INSERTION FICS.

"That's cool. How big of a part in the story does this chapter play?"

ACTUALLY I WAS HOPING THE READERS WOULD SKIP THIS PART AND GO STRAIGHT TO CHAPTER ONE. I MEAN SO FAR THE ONLY POINT TO THE PROLOGUE WAS TO MAKE FUN OF SELF INSERTION STORIES. I MEAN AFTER THIS ONE WE GET INTO THE REAL CLICHED GENRES: SONGFICS, PAIRINGS, CROSSOVERS, WAFFS, SLASH, AU, AND NEXT GENERATION.

"Wow, we're going to get to poke fun at all those?" Angel said hopefully.

WELL, WE'RE NOT. AS SOON AS THIS CHAPTER'S FINISHED YOU WON'T SEE US AGAIN FOR THE REST OF THE STORY.

"When does this chapter end?"

RIGHT AFTER THIS SENTENCE.

"Oh great, you know I don't need this shit! I did a voice for Kingdom Hearts!" Angel shouted as he walked away into oblivion.

TO BE CONTINUED...OR STARTED...WHATEVER...


	2. Chapter 1: Once More Without Feeling

Author's Note: Please excuse Steve-0 from gym class today. He is suffering from lower back pain after the football team stuffed him in a locker yesterday

Signed

Steve-0's Mom

Reference Note: Nicholas Brendon (Xander.) did a B-movie called Demon Island or something dumb like that where he fought off a killer piñata. True story!

Author's Note: You like me! You really like me! I was so glad that people gave me good reviews for that piece of crap that I'm writing the next chapter of that same piece of crap! So without further ado...

Buffy the Cliché Slayer

Chapter 1

"Once More without Feeling."

A portal of dazzling blue light, that was reminiscent but distinctly different from that which could be seen on that show Sliders (But legally different enough that it didn't infringe copyright laws) opened up in the sky above The Magic Box.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

Thunk

Buffy, Giles, Willow, Xander, Spike, and Anya fell from the portal and landed in a disheveled hump.

"Ouch, Do I get frequent flyer miles for this?" Buffy groaned.

"Is everyone all right?" Giles asked.

"I think so. A little sore, but basically in one piece." Willow stated.

"Oh my God! I can't feel my leg!" Xander cried as he pinched and punched a black-panted thigh.

"That's my leg you stupid git! Get off me!" Spike yelled turning over knocking Xander off of on top of him. Everyone slowly got up, and dusted themselves off.

"Where are we?" Anya asked.

"It looks just like we never left The Magic Box." Willow noted.

"Maybe we didn't. Maybe this was all a dream. Maybe we were all at the Magic Box at the same time and we all fell asleep at the same time, on top of each other mind you, and then we all woke up at the same time from having the same dream." Xander explained.

"That's impossible." Buffy said

"Why's that?"

"Because Anya and Spike are dead." Buffy said.

"I'm not dead, well technically I am dead, but not dead, dead." Spike said

"You're not?"

"No, when I read in a magazine that you were leaving the show and it was getting the old heave-ho. I signed a contract with the WB. At least Angel knows better than to commit career suicide." Spike explained.

"I had my reasons. I wanted to pursue a movie career." Buffy retorted.

"Oh great move there. What have you been in since Scooby-Doo?" Xander asked.

"Oh like you have room to talk piñata-boy."

"At least it wasn't Simply Resistible."

"Xander's right, Buffy, you peaked at Cruel Intentions." Anya stated.

"Stay out of this, Darkness Flops." Buffy and Xander yelled.

"Look lets face it. None of us has had a very successful movie career." Spike said.

"Um...hello? American Pie? Biggest teen sex-comedy since Porky's?" Willow said as she raised her hand.

"Yes, and I was Frankenfurter in the Rocky Horror Picture Show."

"The movie?" Buffy asked.

"Well, no, on the London Stage..." Everyone made a "Feh" motion with their hands and turned their backs to him. "I think we're all losing sight on what we are suppose to be focusing on here, and that where we are and how to get back." Giles said.

"Yes I so want to get back to being dead." Anya said dryly.

"Huh, that's funny." Willow said perplexed as she left the crowd and made her way across the room.

"What is it Will?" Buffy asked.

"I never noticed that bookshelf there before." She said pointing to a large bookshelf across the room that glowed with an unholy light. The gang moved cautiously towards it. It was filled with different colored books with an odd array of titles.

"That's it! The answer to our freedom must lie here in these books." Giles said.

"How do you know that?" Buffy asked.

"Because this isn't an ordinary bookshelf. It's really what they call a plot device. Something, usually extremely predictable, that writers use that has no other function but to get the story moving." Giles explained.

"Ok, then we should get reading then." Willow said. "I'll take this one. It's entitled Slash. See?" She said as she held up the book. "I wonder if it has anything to do with Guns and Roses."

Xander took out another book. "Next Generation? Must be about Star Trek. I guess as the elected geek of our group I should read this one." One by one each of our heroes took a book from the shelf.

"AU? Must be a college somewhere." Buffy pondered.

"WAFF? This book must be about those pale, thin girls. Sounds like my cup of tea." Spike said

"I believe you're thinking of a waif, Spike." Giles informed.

"Yeah, that's what I said WAFF."

Ugh, never mind. Oh here's one that looks promising 'X-over'." Giles said.

Anya stared at the shelf. "Hmm, I can't decide if I want 'Mary-Sue' or 'Angst' Hmm...Now I what know Angst is..."

"Yeah 6th season." Xander interrupted.

"So I'll take Mary-Sue."

"Ok on the count of three open you're books." Giles instructed.

"Why count to three?" Anya asked.

"I don't know the author made me say that for story's sake...1...2...3!" As each of them opened a book, they were each sucked into that book from which they opened. The Magic Box was now empty, except for the six books lying on the floor.

Meanwhile...Back at The Magic Box outside the 8-ball.

YES, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO PLAN.

Steve-0 said as he stared deep into a crystal orb.

"What are you doing?" Fat Angel asked.

I'M WATCHING YOUR FRIEND'S PLIGHT THROUGH THIS MAGIC CRYSTAL BALL I FOUND IN THE SHOP.

"Um...that's not a magic crystal ball. That's a lawn ornament from Wal-Mart. Giles bought it last night for his townhouse.

OH. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST CLOUDY.

"Hey, didn't you say in the prologue, that the Magic Box was sucked into the 8-ball, and that all that was left was a vast white void."

NO.

"Yes you did! I read it!"

UM...THAT WAS A DREEEAAAMMM...Steve-0 said in a spooky ghost voice and waved his hands in front of Angel.

"Fine, whatever." There was a slight pause.

"Hey, what am I doing here anyway? I thought you said we'd only be in the Prologue, and that's it."

YEAH WELL, I READ MY REVIEWS FOR THE STORY AND THE PEOPLE SEEMED TO REALLY LIKE YOU, AND I'M A GOOD REVIEWS WHORE, SO I BROUGHT YOU BACK FOR THE FIRST CHAPTER.

"You're really that shallow and vain?" Angel asked reaching into his pocket for a cupcake.

OF COURSE I AM. ISN'T THAT RIGHT HARMONY, LINDSEY, FRED, AND DRUSILLA.

Fred, Harmony, Lindsey, and Drusilla appeared, nodded and disappeared again.

AH, IT GOOD TO BE THE FANFIC WRITER.

Steve-0 said as he propped his feet on the table and leaned back in his chair.

To Be Continued...You know provided I don't die or anything like that between now and my next update...


	3. Chapter 2: The WishyWashy

Author's Suicide Note: Goodbye Cruel World!

Buffy the Cliché Slayer

Chapter 3

"The Wishy-washy"

A portal opened up above the locker lined hall of the old Sunnydale High School, as Anya falls from it and landed on the hard tiled floor.

"Ow. I'm getting tired of falling." Anya surveyed her surroundings. "This is the old Sunnydale High School! That means I must be somewhere between Season one and three. I better do my best to try to blend in without bumping into my previous, evil, vengeance demon-self."

"Hey look at the old lady sitting in the middle of the floor talking to herself." Random Student A shouted.

"What a weirdo!" Random Student B chimed in.

"Yeah let's shun her!" Random Student C declared.

"Bitchin'! We can ostracize her while we're at it!" Student D, who also happened to be random, exclaimed. The four students began to crowd around the frightened Anya.

"Dude, you can't ostracize and shun at the same time."

"Why not?"

"Because they're synonymous. It's like saying you're going to stop and halt at the same time."

"Oh well then let's beat her up for being different than us."

"Yeah!" All the random students said.

"You leave her alone!" A dramatically posed silhouette shouted from the other end of the hall.

"It's Mary-Sue! Let's get out of here!" The four students, who remain genderless because of the genericness of their character, run away frantically.

A beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl entered the light. She completely lacked any physical imperfection, and her face was frozen into a bright smile. She wore an expensive designer dress, which never wrinkled, and accentuated her already perfect beauty. Anya hated her instantly.

"Are you ok?" She asked sweetly, helping Anya up.

"Yeah, I forgot how cruel kids can be." Anya said as she dusted herself off.

Mary-Sue extended her hand. "Hi, my name is Mary-Sue. What's yours?"

"Anya, Um Anya Anka." (Get it?) Anya answered.

"It's super nice to meet you, Anya! Are you new here?"

"Yeah I...uh...just transferred here this morning."

"Aren't you a little old for high school?" Mary-Sue asked.

"I got held back...a lot." Anya said. "Um can you help me? I'm looking for a book--."

"You should go to the library!" Mary-Sue interrupted helpfully. "I can take you there! You can meet my best friends Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Cordelia!" She grabbed Anya's hand and began to lead her to the library. Anya tried to resist but the girl was stronger than Buffy. When they entered the library alternative fanfic versions of Xander, Giles, Oz, Faith, Wesley, Willow, Cordelia, and Buffy greeted Mary-Sue warmly.

"Hi guys!" Mary-Sue said brightly.

"Mary Sue, I never got a chance to thank-you from saving us from that cult of Bigath Demons." Buffy said.

"No problem, those creeps were no match for a magic using, half-demon/slayer/watcher/werewolf." Mary-Sue bragged.

"Wow I thought Willow picked the "slash" book." Anya mused

"I'm sorry?"

"Nothing, Um so that's a pretty powerful combination there Mary--"

"And you want to know how I got be such an awesome force for good."

"Well no, but you're probably going to tell me anyway."

"I was born the daughter of a powerful witch, who fell in love with an even more powerful demon, so I naturally was born more powerful than both of them. Then at the age of 5 I was adopted by the watcher's council where I surpassed both Giles and Wesley in my studies. Then I learned that I was a slayer before Buffy and Kendra, but I was presumed dead when I was attacked by the king of the werewolves." Mary-Sue said all in one breathe. "I also cured Angel's curse, and he left Buffy to be with me." She added dreamily.

Maybe I shouldn't tell her how fat Angel gets in the next 4 years. Anya thought to herself.

"So, Mary-Sue, who's your cute friend?" Xander said laying on that old Harris charm.

"Oh I almost forgot! But I didn't because I'm perfect. Everyone this is Anya Anka. She is looking for mystical book. I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to save that bus load of burning orphans I've detected with my Slayer-sense. Up, Up, and Away!" Mary-Sue lifted up off the ground and flew out the library window.

"Good-bye Mary-Sue! We'll miss you!" Everyone sans Anya called out as they waved to her.

"Well she seems nice enough." Anya noted.

"Oh God, I can't stand her." Giles said.

"Thank God, she's gone." Buffy said.

"I thought she was your best friend?"

"You try to be friend with someone more powerful then you." Faith said.

"Or more knowledgeable of arcane lore." Wesley added.

"Or funnier," Xander said

"Or smarter." Willow added.

"Or more popular." Cordelia chimed.

"Or stole your werewolf shtick." Oz said.

"And your boyfriend." Buffy replied.

"Ok I get your point. Wow that sucks. But let's focus on my problem. I'm from another dimension, and I'm trying to find my way home, which is technically a hole in the ground since I'm dead, but that's a different story. Can you help me?" Anya asked Giles.

"Well I'm not sure, I mean dimensional travel, is a, is a very difficult procedure." Giles stuttered dejectively.

"I bet you Mary-Sue could do it."

"I didn't say it was impossible." Giles said quickly.

"But if we help you, you must do something for us." Wesley said.

"What's that?"

"Take Mary-Sue with you."

"Deal." Anya said after much deliberation. "I came here through a strange-titled book, so I guess another strange titled book is the key to getting out of here."

"I think we have just the book you are looking for. It just materialized here this morning." Giles said handing Anya the book.

"Wow that's almost too convenient for fanfiction." Anya noted as she took the book.

Just then Mary-Sue entered the room.

"Don't forget our deal." Cordelia whispered.

"What deal?" Mary-Sue asked.

"Nothing. Nevermind. Hey Mary Sue I think I found the book to help me get home, but oh gosh it's probably in some language I can't read." Anya said in her best acting voice.

"Oh I'll help you with that!" Mary-Sue said brightly.

And when they opened the book they were both sucked inside.

Giles picked up the book, and put it on the shelf.

"Hey, Giles what was the name of that book anyway?" Willow asked.

"I believe it was entitled Next Generation." Giles said.

"Hmm, must have something to do with Star Trek."

To Be Continued...


	4. Chapter 3: The Zippo

Author's Ransom Note: We have kidnapped Steve-0. If you ever want to see another update and maybe Steve-0 alive again, send $0.37 for postage of this ransom note to pier 12 at midnight.

Author's Real Note: Eesch! Sorry for not updating in a while. I sort of cough erased my

Word processor and lost the CD to reinstall it so I'm gong to try to valiantly do these next couple chapters on Notepad in Windows accessories. Also I just want to note that the chapter titles are named after parodized Buffy Episodes and may or may not have anything to do with the actual chapter or story. So without further disgrace...

Buffy the Cliché Slayer

Chapter 4

"The Zippo."

The sky split opened above a toy-filled room in what appeared to be a daycare center, and out fell Xander. Thud

"Ugh. Where am I?" Xander dusted himself off and looked for clue on his location. It seemed like he was in your basic run-of-the-mill daycare center. He made his way over to the desk, where he noticed two things. One, a memo with a letter head that read: Xander and Dawn's Sunnydale Sitters, and two, a day calendar with that showed that today was January 4, 2021.

Before Xander could wrap his brain around his predicament the doors to the daycare burst open and three small children scrambled in and tackled the confused geek.

"Uncle Xander!" They shouted.

"Hey you kids, what did I say about tackling people." A voice called out.

"Only if they're Vampire, Demon, or Norwegian." The children said in a monotonous tone.

"That's right." The voice began to take shape as an older, pregnant blonde woman entered the room.

"Buffy?" Xander asked.

"Hey Xander, thanks for taking them off my hands. I'd love to stay and chat but I'm going to be late for my second ultrasound for little Biles Giles, here." She said as she patted her protruding belly.

"Um...eww." Xander stated, as he watched Buffy leave. Then he turned his attention towards the kids.

"So are you all Buffy and Giles' kids?" Xander asked.

"Heck, no! My name is Bradley Finn. I'm the son of Riley Finn and Buffy Summers." Piped the boy wearing camo and a crew cut.

"I'm Spuffy. I'm the bloody daughter of Buffy and Spike." The bleached blonde little girl as she pulled a cigarette out of her tiny, black duster.

"Spuffy? That sounds more like a dog's name than a kid's." Xander noted.

"Hey sod off, you bloody git!"

Xander shrugged, and turned his attention to the fat kid who was inhaling a candy bar he recently fished from his black duster.

"And whose kid are you?"

"I'm Bangle. Buffy and Angel's son."

"Boy, Vampires can't name their kids for crap."

"It's not that. Our names have to consist of so many of the same letters as our parents' name, so the author doesn't get confused."

"Yeah, plus as second generation kids we're not allowed to have our own personalities. We have to either have to be the exact same character as our parents or a twisted amalgamation of them both." Bradley chimed in.

Just then a young woman in her mid to late twenties came in from the back.

"Hey, I could use a hand back here with the other kids." She said.

"Dawn? What are you doing here?" Xander asked.

"Oh usually in these 2nd Gen stories, the younger characters in the original series become the older, wiser, mentor-like characters in the fic. I'm also embezzling the profits from your daycare center." Dawn said matter-of-factly.

"Oh." Xander said.

"Did you hit your head or something you seem to be kind of out of the loop?" Dawn asked concerned.

"Um, yeah I guess I'm having a bit of amnesia." Xander lied,

"Well we'll take care of that. Now if you follow me I'll re-introduce you to the rest of the kids." Dawn said.

Dawn led Xander and the three Buffy spawnlings out into the backyard where he was greeted by the sight of multiple mini-versions of his friends playing on the swing set, and chasing each other with bats. Unfortunately as soon as Bangle and Spuffy stepped out onto the back porch they disintegrated. (Them being half-vampire, and allergic to the sun, and all.)

"Uh, Dawn." Xander tugged on the sleeve of Dawn's peasant shirt. Dawn turned around noticed the two dusters nestled in a pile of dust.

"Damn, I knew I should have read that sheet with everyone's list of allergies. This one's gonna be a tough one to explain when sis gets back." Dawn said with a shrug.

"Ok now I'll introduce you to the kids. First there's Tarot." Dawn said motioning to the young girl wearing a mullet and an Indigo Girls T, who was sitting Indian-style in the sandbox raising tiny satanic temples out of the sand.

"Let me guess, Will and Tara's kid." Xander asked.

"Well, you're half right. She's actually the spawn of Willow, Tara, and a turkey-baster filled with David Crosby, of Crosby, Stills, and Nash's, semen."

"Can you say 'semen' in a PG-13 rated fanfic?" Xander asked.

"Fine, David Crosby's Guys on a Boat." Dawn corrected herself. "Moving on. The feminine looking boy, combing his hair in the reflection of the sliding board is Wordeliam, son of Wesley and Cordelia. He's a sad one. His father was sent to jail shortly after his birth. So he had no male-role model growing up. "

"Wesley is in prison?"

"Yes, apparently sixteen will get you twenty in the Sunnydale courts. Ok, do you see the girl chasing the little British boy around with a bat?"

"Yeah?"

"The girl is Waif, the daughter of Principal Wood and Faith, and the boy is Gallagher the son of Giles and Miss Calendar. He just got out of time out for smashing a watermelon with a sledgehammer. That should do it except for Sparmony, Sprucilla, Angela, Spanya, and Angina. They're in the sandbox." Dawn added.

"That's odd; the only one I see in the sandbox is Tarot." Xander said holding his hand over his eye to block out the sun.

"Did I say in the sandbox? I meant is the sandbox. I've got to get better at this sun allergy thing. Now am I forgetting anyone else?"

"Bark." A small brown puppy jumped out of the bushes near the swing set and ran into Dawn's arms

"Oh of course. Hello Woz! Who's the pretty werewolf? Yes. Who's the pretty werewolf?" Dawn said in baby talk as she cuddled the pup.

"Now that you've re-familiarized with everybody, you can start doing your job and read to the kids, while I take a smoke break." Dawn said as she put down Woz. "Kids, story time!" She yelled and herded Xander and the kids back inside.

"Wait, I don't know what to read to them." Xander protested. Dawn huffed and grabbed a dusty, old book from a nearby table, and shoved into Xander's hands.

"Here, this book materialized here this morning. You can read them this." She said, and then left the room. Xander took the book and sat down in a large comfy chair in the center of the room. The children gathered around him.

"Ok here goes." Xander said but before he could open the book. A portal opened up above him and Anya and Mary-Sue feel from it. Anya landed on his lap, while Mary-Sue landed headfirst into a pile of toys.

"Xander?"

"Anya? Thank God, you're ok!" Xander explained.

"Oh Xander, I was so worried I'd never see you again." The two begin to kiss passionately.

"Um, I hate to interrupt but I think I may have a mild concussion and a Lincoln Log lodged in a very uncomfortable place." Mary-Sue whined.

"Who's that?" Xander broke off the kiss to ask.

"I'm Mary-Sue. I'm perfect." Mary-Sue said brightly.

"She followed me here. I had to bring her along in exchange for a magic book that transported me here. A book that looks surprisingly a lot like the one I'm sitting on." Anya explained, as she pulled the book from underneath her.

"That must mean that this is one of the fanfic books from the bookshelf. Maybe it's the one that'll take us home!" Xander exclaimed. He took a look at the title.

"OC." He read out loud.

"Isn't that a hit show on FOX?" Anya asked.

"You're right! Home sweet Syndicated home, here we come." Xander said happily, and started to open the book.

"Hey wait, you can't leave. You still have to read to us." Bradley Finn whined.

"Um, Mary-Sue'll read to you." Anya said.

"But what do I read to them you've got the only book?" Mary-Sue asked confused but willing to help.

"Maybe there's a magazine or something in the desk." Xander suggested. Mary-Sue went to the desk and looked in the drawer.

"I found something." She smiled brightly holding up a folded up magazine.

"Ok, bye." Anya said impatiently.

Xander opened up the book, and the couple was sucked inside.

"Have a nice trip!" Mary-Sue called out sweetly. She then took Xander's spot in the chair, opened the magazine and began to read out lout.

"Dear Penthouse,

I never thought it could happen to me..."

To Be Continued...


	5. Chapter 4: Gravy

Author's Note: Went out to lunch will be back at Noon

Author's Real Note: Ok fangirls, please don't come after me with your pitchforks and torches, but it's time for the slash parody.

Also today's chapter title comes from the episode title of the season finale of season 6 entitled "Grave"

Thank-you Buffy Episode Guide!

Buffy the Cliché Slayer

Chapter 5

"Gravy"

The sky opened up outside of the Bronz, and Willow fell out of the portal. She landed face first in a puddle.

"Ick. I'm all wet and muddy now." She complained. "Hey it's the Bronz. Maybe I can clean myself up in their bathroom." The young witch made her way to the club, and noticed the bouncer was slightly different then she was use to.

"Principal Wood?" Willow rubbed her eyes in disbelief

The vampire hunter's bald head shimmered with glitter, and he wore a bright shade of violet lipstick.

A hot pink feather boa was wrapped around his neck, and perfectly accessorized his form-fitting blue latex cat suit.

"Oh please, Principal Wood's my straight name, honey, by night folks just call me Woody. Do you have an ID? "

He said with a lisp.

"Oh yes," Willow said as she fished out her license.

"Child, please! I don't want to see your nasty-ass driver's license picture. I meant your gay ID."

"Gay ID?"

Woody rolled his eyes and huffed.

"Cher ticket stubs for boys, Lilith Fair for girls, honestly."

"I don't have any ticket stubs." Willow said helplessly. "Oh! But I have some Wicca jewelry does that help prove my sexuality?" She said showing off her silver pentagram jewelry. Woody huffed again.

"Close enough, I guess." He said and opened the door.

"Honey, welcome to the fabulous world of Slash fanfiction!"

Willow senses were overloaded with homo-eroticism. To her left, she saw Giles and Wesley grinding against each other as Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You out of My Head" played in the background. To her right she saw Spike and Angel necking. (Get it? Vampires? Necking?)

Above her she could see Xander giving Oz a heavy petting. Beside them Faith was straddling Buffy, and just in front of her on the stage was Tara ushering Dawn into womanhood.

Willow covered her eyes.

"You know I'd like to think of myself as a pretty open-minded person. When they told me that the ratings were slipping during the 4th season, and they wanted to make me a lesbian, because it worked on Ellen, Ally McBeal, and Rosanne, I said ok. But this, this, what I'm seeing here, this is just wrong." Willow stammered.

"Oh please, girlfriend, you ain't seen nothing yet. Bring out the NC-17 rating!" Woody shouted.

Suddenly the room was illuminated with red light and cheesy sax music mixed with generic funk played

in the background.

DUE TO THE GRAPHIC CONTENT OF THE NEXT FEW PARAGRAPHS, AND TO

PROTECT THE PG-13 RATING OF THIS FIC. THE FOLLOWING SECTION OF THIS

FIC HAS BEEN CENSORED, AND REPLACED WITH MORE FAMILY-FRIENDLY

CONTENT.

The couples looked lustfully into each others eye. Some of them licked their lips, while others just shook with longing anticipation. Then once they were all undressed they began to SHAKE HANDS.

YES EVERYBODY STARTED SHAKING EACH OTHERS HANDS OFF.

"Oh my God, Spike, Nobody can SHAKE HANDS like you!" Angel moaned.

"That's right, Buff, SHAKE MY HAND! SHAKE MY HAND all night long!" Faith screamed her hand full of the slayer's blonde hair.

"Oh my God, I haven't felt this dirty since I saw Christina Aguilera's last video." Willow groaned choking back her need to vomit.

"I know, pretty hot, huh." Woody smiled watching voyeuristically. (Probably not a real word.)

"Look, Principal-- I mean Woody, you haven't seen a magic book around here, and I think I've seen enough of this type of fanfic." Willow stated.

"Oh you mean like that one floating there across the room? It materialized this morning."

Sure enough, amidst the orgy...I mean HAND SHAKING-A-THON, floated another one of the magic fanfic books which had been a fantastic plot device thus far. Willow ran towards the book, but slipped on some lubricant I MEAN HAND LOTION. (WELL I GUESS THAT DOESN'T QUITE HELP MUCH EITHER.) And slid all slip n' slide like to the other side of the room. Where she quickly jumped to her feet, and grabbed the book.

"Songfic? Ok, I like musicals. Musicals usually don't have hot sweaty bodies SHAKING HANDS all around me." Willow said frantically as she read the title.

She opened the book and was sucked inside.

"Well, you don't see that everyday." Woody said. Just then he felt a tap on his shoulder. Behind him stood Riley, Ben, and Andrew all clad in leather bondage-gear.

"Hi, we're here for the HAND SHAKING." Ben said.

"Sorry, honey, there are something's that are just too gay for even slash fic." Woody said and snapped his fingers three times in a "Z" formation.

TO BE CONTINUED

Coming Soon: Giles meets some new friends from other series, books, and anime. Buffy goes to

Bizarro Sunnydale where she learns what life would be like if Joss Whedon hadn't written the show, and Spike learns who wrote the book of loooove.


	6. Chapter 5: The Dork Age

Author's Note to Self: This joke is getting old.

Author's Real Note: Well we're just about to hit the halfway mark, and I want to tank all my loyal readers and reviewers. I never would have made it this far without you. I'd also like to thank my producer, Buddy Epstein, my agent Carla Greenspan, the cast, the crew, J.C. the penny, not the Messiah, and my lovely wife Florence who without whom I'd be lost. I love you honey. Just kidding I'm not married. Anyway, like I said I think we've hit the half way mark but I'm really not sure, because to be honest I'm making this all up as I go. I do know that there are a lot of writing styles I still want to poke fun of, and I'm trying to get out of writing a sequel. Not because I don't think people will read it, but because I am laaaaaaaaaazy. Once again God Bless the IMDB! Also I proofread chapters 0-5 and fixed the missing words, double words, and missing lines, you know like a real writer. So now it's easier to read. Sorry it took so long :(

Disclaimer: You know what. I don't own any of these characters and I'm not going to spend the hours it would take to look up who they belong to so just go ahead and sue me. You can have my broken TV, my used computer, my comic book collection and the $3.95 in my checking account.

Previously on Buffy the Cliché Slayer.

"Xander, I think I'm pregnant." Anya said. "And it's not yours. It's Andrew's."

"No." Xander chews on his fist.

BUM BUM BUM!

"Doctor is there anything you can do?" Buffy asked.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Summers, unless Angel gets a second stomach, his regular stomach will explode and he'll die."

"Give him mine!" Buffy cried.

"I'm sorry, Angel has a rare blood type, only a family member can donate their stomach."

"Then give him mine!"

"Spike?"

"I am his father after all."

BUM BUM BUM!

"I want to be in this fic." Lindsey stated holding a switch that is connected to the dynamite strapped to his chest.

BUT YOU'RE AN ANGEL CHARACTER. THIS IS A BUFFY FIC,

"So, you're doing a crossover chapter."

YEAH, BUT AN ANGEL/BUFFY X-OVER? THAT'S KIND OF CLICHE, DON'T YOU THINK?

"Cliché this." Lindsey said as he switched the switch. The Magic Box blows up.

BUM BUM BUM!

And now...

Buffy the Cliché Slayer

Chapter 6

"The Dork Age"

The sky opened inside the living room of Giles's apartment, and Giles fell out of the portal and onto his old couch. He looked around, and smiled.

"I'm home, well not home, home, since I'm still in Sunnydale, which is supposed to be a hole in the ground, but home none the less. This dimension doesn't seem all that bad actually." The British man said aloud and reclined on his sofa. Just then there was a knock at the door.

"I wonder who that could be." Giles said.

He got up from his comfortable spot, and answered the door, a mousy, but very attractive, young woman stood there in a sweater and a skirt,

"Hi, is Willow here? Angel lost his soul again, and we need her to get it back." She said.

"No, I'm sorry, who are you?"

The girl looked embarrassed.

"I'm sorry I'm Fred, I work for Angel Investigations. I was hoping to get in contact with Willow in order to get Angel's soul back, and then she can bring Buffy, and the rest of her gang to L.A. to fight some big bad that nobody's ever heard of, but incidentally is stronger than any big bag they've fought on both shows." Fred said.

"Um, Willow isn't here, but you can come in and peruse my library for a cure, if you'd like." Giles offered.

He escorted the girl inside, and closed the door behind him.

"That works too I guess." The young girl said.

"Can I get you some tea?" Just then another there was another knock at the door.

"Another visitor?" Giles thought.

He opened the door to see a small young boy with glasses and a wand standing at his door.

"'Ello, my name is 'arry Po'er. I'm a wizard from 'ogwartz. I was wonderin' if Dawn was 'ere. It appears that she's a wizard too, and she's been livin' 'ere amongst the Muggles. I came to take 'ere back to 'ogwartz so we could play Quidditch." The young boy said with a thick cockney accent, and a crackling voice that had not quite reached puberty.

"I had no idea what you just said." Giles confessed. "And I'm from the same country."

Just then, Fred who was looking around the house noticed a gold ring on Giles's coffee table.

"Ooo this is pretty, where did you get it?" She asked.

"Oh that, I bought it at a Flea Market a couple years ago. Usually I don't like jewelry, but I thought why not? It's just one ring." Giles said.

"One ring to destroy them all!" A voice boomed dramatically. Suddenly there was a huge gust of wind and an old wizard in grey robes appeared.

"I'm Gandalf. Previously Gandalf the Grey, Then I was Gandalf the White. Before both of those I was Gandalf the Shakespearean Actor Who has been Reduced to Playing in Sci-Fi/Fantasy Movies, I tampered with G-Diddy for a while, and after that I toyed with $, or the wizard formally known as Gandalf. I came here to charge you with a quest, and cab fare for the ride home. You must gather seven warriors to take the ring and throw it into the fires of the Hell mouth."

"I really don't have time for that." Giles protested.

"You're a wizard? What school are you from?" Harry asked.

Before the confused wizard could answer, a set of claws sliced a man-size hole in Giles right wall.

"What in the bloody hell!"

A man with a ridiculous haircut and claws stepped through the hole and into Giles's living room.

"I'm lookin' for Buffy Summers, bub. Cerebro picked up her mutant signature, so Prof. X sent me here to come and take her to his school for gifted youngsters. Apparently her slayer strength is a mutant power, also as a side not, vampires are really mutants, but that has nothing to do with anything. "Said the Canadian-Australian mutant,

(Geeky Foot Note: Wolverine is from Canada, Hugh Jackman is from Australia.)

"She's not here! Couldn't you have used the door? My God, man! It's wide open." Giles yelled.

"Name's Wolverine, I make my own doors. Bub." The gruff mutant said.

"I didn't ask for your name. Who do you think you are breaking into people's houses?"

"I'm the best at what I do."

"That doesn't even make any sense."

"I know, but I've been saying it for years." Wolverine said sadly.

"Is this one of the warriors for your quest, Giles?" Gandalf asked.

"Magneto!" Wolverine snarled, and lunged at the wizard. The two began to tear up Giles's living room in a destructive fight sequence so violent that if this were a serious fic I would describe it wholly in graphic detail, but since this is a humor fic you'll have to take my word that it was really cool. Just then a bright light entered the room as Marilyn Manson's wife, Sam from Who's the Boss, and the lesbian daughter from Picket Fences "orbed" into the room.

"Now what?" Giles groaned.

"Hi, were looking for Willow." Phoebe said.

"And you are of course?"

"The Charmed Ones." The girls said in unison.

"Of course you are."

"We want Willow to be the fourth charmed one to replace Brenda...I...ah mean Pru." Piper explained.

"Of course, that is only if she changes her name to something that starts with a P. I was thinking she could call herself Pillow." Paige said.

"Right, I'll be sure to give her that message when she returns."

Bring, Bring the phone began to ring.

"Oh Bloody Hell" Giles cursed exasperatiously, (also not a real word.) and picked up the receiver.

"Hello, Rupert Giles speaking."

"Giles, this is Morpheus. I'm called to tell you about the Matrix."

"No thank-you, I've already got a long distance carrier, please take me off your call list." Giles said and hung up the phone.

Suddenly the guy from Edward Scissorhands crashed through Giles's window with an eye patch and a dagger in his mouth.

"Avast, it is I. Captain Jack Sparrow. Steve-0 hasn't seen this movie yet, but he wants too! Arg."

"You just broke my window! And you can't park a pirate ship in my yard!"

"Why not?"

"Well, one, it's not physically possible."

"Arg anything's possible for a Pirate of the Caribbean. Like I said Steve-0 hasn't seen the movie yet."

Giles slumped down into the couch and buried his head in his hands.

"This is ten times worse than any nightmare I could ever dream of."

He then felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned to see a serious-looking man and woman staring blankly at him.

"Rupert Giles, I'm Agent Mulder, this is my partner Scully. We'd like to investigate a rash of supernatural happenings here in Sunnydale, before those bastards from Poltergeist: The Legacy and Psi-Factor beat us to it." Said the tall thin guy from the Red Shoe Diaries. (Not that I watch that show or anything.) Before Mulder could start his line of questioning, his head was sliced off from behind with a quick flick of a sword. Mulder fell to the ground revealing an Italian Scotsman standing over his corpse.

"W-Who are you? W-What do you want?" Giles asked nervously

"I am Duncan MacLeod, born of the Highland MacLeods. I am an immortal. There can be only one."

Just then Duncan felt the click click of a pair of handcuffs on his hands.

"Duncan MacLeod, I'm Agent Finn from Crime Scene Investigation: Miami, you're under arrest for mass murder and multiple beheadings."

"There can be only one! There can be only one!"

"Yeah, tell it to the judge, you sick &#."

Just then Spiderman swung in through the hole that Jack Sparrow made in the window.

"Greetings citizen, I'm your friendly, neighborhood Spiderman."

"I wasn't aware my neighborhood had a Spiderman." Giles answered.

"Actually you don't. I'm from NY, but I was wondering if Buffy wanted to join my superhero team."

"Who's on it?"

"Let's see, there's me, Batman, Daredevil, the three Supermen."

"Three Supermen?"

"Comic book, Movie, and Tom Welling"

"That's quite a group you have."

"Yeah, except for the fact that all Tom Welling is good for is running over bad guys with Movie Superman's wheelchair."

Just then to escape the hellfire I'm feeling for that last joke. The roof of Giles's house was lifted off by a huge pair of robotic hands.

"Oh God, it's the Sentinels!" Wolverine screamed and hid behind Spiderman.

"What are you worried about? You're the most over-hyped mutant in history."

"That doesn't change the fact that my only mutant power is growing my fingernails really long, and taking my shirt off to heal myself."

Once the roof was pulled all the way off it did not reveal a Sentinel, but another giant robot known as...

"Optimus Prime!" Everyone, but Giles shouted in disbelief.

"That's right. My buddies, Godzilla, and the Power Rangers Mega-zord wanted to give you this book, Giles, for being such a gracious host."

The robot said handing down a tiny book in between his two fingers. It was regular-sized to Giles.

"Thank-you. Or I guess as they would say in your language Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto." Giles said graciously as he accepted the book.

"No problem. Auto-bots roll out!" The robot said and transformed into a Mack truck.

"Oh God I'm starting to sound like Xander. I need to get out of here. Oh this book's titled Songfic."

Giles noted. "I guess we're overdue for another musical." He shrugged, opened the book, and was sucked inside.

The x-over characters, who had multiplied in the past 30 seconds, stared at the book in confusion.

"Well what do we do now?" asked Spiderman.

"We could start a wrestling federation." Suggested the Rock, who was also here for what he thought might have been a Mummy crossover.

"No!" Everyone shouted in unison.

"Um guys, I think I just sat on a Smurf." Fred said.

"...Kill...me..." Eked out Papa Smurf who was now a blue and red smear on Fred's skirt.

TO BE CONTINUED

NEXT WEEK: Buffy explores AUs, while Spike gets in touch with his sensitive side. And Xander and Anya notices everyone's acting a little out of character.


	7. Chapter 6: Welcome to the Hellcolon

Author's Note: Do fish go to heaven? What about the one's that aren't baptized?

Behind the Scenes Note: This chapter is dedicated to my friend who said there was no way I could write a whole chapter around one joke. (A vampire fighting salad bar.) Ha, I write everything around just one joke!

Author's Real Note: Sadly, I start school again next week so I won't be able to update as often. But I'll still update, so please stick with me and I promise I'll keep giving you the quality, (well maybe not quality) the quantity of entertainment. (Well maybe not entertainment either.) Ok, I promise to keep giving you the quantity of words on a page that I have been giving you since I started this series. Oh and if you like this check out my new humor fic in Buffy the Vampire Slayer Crossovers called Scooby Doo meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So while I still have free time I present to you...  
Buffy the Cliché Slayer

"A Slayer is Bored."

The magic SHOP...

BWUHAHAHAHA! FOUR FANFIC GENRES DOWN AND ALREADY I CAN SEE THEMSLOWLY SLIPPING INTO MADNESS. Steve-0 laughed as gazed into the crystal ball that was really a Wal-Mart lawn ornament.

"Didn't you die?" Angel asked.

WHAT?

"I thought you died in the last chapter."

NO I DIDN'T.

"Yes, you did, you died and the Magic Shop blew up when you did that whole: Previously, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...' joke that wasn't funny the first time." Angel explained.

OH WELL THOSE HAPPENED BEFORE THE CHAPTER SO THEY DON'T REALLY COUNT AS ACTUAL PLOT POINTS.

"Oh." Angel paused.

"Then what are they doing here?"

He asked as he pointed to Lindsey and Indiana Jones, who waved back.

FANSERVICE.

"Oh, ok I guess that explains everything then..."

GOOD, I'M GLAD I COULD CLEAR THAT ALL UP FOR YOU.

"Except for remember back in the first chapter, when you said the Magic Shop was sucked into the 8-ball and we were floating in a vastless, which by the way isn't a real word, white void and then in the next chapter and every chapter after that we're back in the Magic Shop as if nothing ever happened?"

UH-HUH

"Yeah. What was that all about?"

HEY, LETS CHECK ON BUFFY. Steve-0 suggested nervously. Inside the 8-ball...  
The sky opened up outside the Sunnydale Cemetery, and Buffy Summers fell out, and onto a freshly-filled grave.

"Ouch. Oh great, just my luck. I end up landing in a cemetery at night."

Buffy noted as she started to get to her feet.

"It looks like your, luck's about to run out, girlie," said a blonde vampire in a Catholic school girl uniform.

"Hey, I know you; you were in the first episode. I must be in Season One Sunnydale!" Buffy cried excited because now she knew when and where she was.

"Um...what?" The vampire asked as she tilted her head in confusion.

"Nevermind. Okay, Blondie, prepared to get dusted." Buffy said and then reached into her jacket pocket to pull out a stake that wasn't there. She quickly patted herself down to find that she didn't have one anywhere on her person.

"My weapons!" She cried.

"Awww, too bad. Now you'll just have to die." The vamp said as it made its way over to bite Buffy. Just then they heard someone call out in a British accent.

"There's one, quick now, and don't forget your training!"

It was followed by the sight of a salad bar complete with sneeze guard and wooden railing with sharpened points at the end rolling down the hill towards them.

"What the!" The vampire was too shocked and confused to move out of the way, and was impaled by the railing.

"You did it!" Giles cried as he came running towards it.

"Giles?" Buffy called out.

"I'm sorry do I know you?" Giles asked.

"It's me! Buffy! The slayer."

"You're not the slayer. She's the slayer." Giles said pointing to the salad bar that was now tipped over from the fight.

"You've got to be kidding me." Buffy arched her brow.

"I'm not that's Buffet: The Vampire Slayer. And I'm its Watcher, plus I always make sure it's restocked with crotons when needed to be." Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Ok, let's start over. Hi, I'm Buffy Summers, I come from another dimension. One that doesn't have serving venues as superheroes. But I was sucked into a magic 8-ball, and then I was sucked into a book, and now I'm here and I really like to go home so I can pursue my non-existent movie career." Buffy explained.

"Well then I think you better come with me." Giles said as he led Buffy to his car.

"You believe me?"

"Of course I do. You're in an AU fic, or Alternate Universe fanfiction. This is where the fanfic writer likes the characters, but doesn't like the story or the setting. So they tweak the series either slightly or drastically by changing everything from the time period to Spike's hair color. But it's basically your What If? Scenario." Giles explained.

"Wow, how do you know all this?" Buffy asked as they drove to towards the high school. "Because I'm a cyborg."

"Say what now?"

"I'm from a reality, where in the future the Watcher Council has been destroyed and vampires and demons rule the Earth. So future Buffy and the future Scoobies using the same technology used to build the Buffybots during the great Robot Wars injected my brain with a chip that had all the information that the Watcher's Council and Wolfram and Hart had on file. Then they took my brain out of my body and put it into a robot body that looked exactly like my body, but was in fact a robot body."

"Why?" Buffy asked.

"Why what?"

"Why did they put your brain in a robot body? You could have just had the chip in your head and be human. The robot body thing sounds kind of pointless. I mean does your new body have any special features besides the fact that it looks and functions like your old body?"

"Well no. It was just the future, and they needed a robot-type character, and you know what never mind we're here. Come on inside I'll introduce you to everyone." He said as he stopped the car, and the two made there way to the library.

"So is everybody in this dimension a robot from the future, or is that just you?" Buffy asked as they walked down the hall. Giles smiled wickedly,

"You'll see." He opened the double doors to expose a sight that left Buffy standing there motionless with her mouth agape. All her old friends were there except, they were all different, it was if she had landed in a bad Wizard of Oz rip- off.

"Who's she?" Angel asked Giles. He looked just like he did in season one, except he had large, white, feathery wings, and a halo.

"Angel?" Buffy asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, that's right. I'm an angel of God. I was sent here to help the helpless, and rid the world of vampires. What's it to you, stranger?" Angel asked sternly.

"Don't mind him; he's a little cranky, because he went from cursed vampire with a soul who can't have sex in the series, to an angel, who still can't have sex because he doesn't have genitalia. All that repression can't be good for a man." Anya explained. She was dressed in beautiful dress you would expect to see at a Renaissance Festival.

"Hi, I'm Fairy Vengeance Demon/Godmother Anya. In my universe everyone from the series is forced to act out various Fairy Tales. What's your name?" Anya asked and extended her hand in greeting.

"This is Buffy Summers. She was transported here by a book." Giles explained.

"Arg, I was transported here by sailing my pirate ship off the edge of the world." Xander said in a pirate dialect. He stood there in full pirate garb, with one peg leg propped up on a barrel of rum.

"Xander? Since when did you become a pirate? You got seasick and threw up on the Small World ride at Disney World." Buffy asked. Xander sighed.

"Well after Caleb plucked out me eye I decided that it was fated that I leave the Scoobies and pursue a life at sea. Of course my leaving caused us to inevitably lose the fight against the First, but such is life." Xander said dropping the pirate accent.

Just then a creature that looked like Cordelia, but with a bad skin complexion appeared from the shadows to inspect Buffy. "No, you can't be Buffy Summers. I wished you out of existence before I decided to become a vengeance demon! I mean that's how Vampire Willow got here." Cordelia protested.

"She's right. I come from a universe where everyone's a vampire, because you lost the fight with the Master." Vampire Willow said as she showed a fangy smile.

"Well at least your all AU-selves are cool. In my universe, instead of getting bit by a werewolf I got bit by a salmon. Now whenever there's a full moon all I want to do is lay eggs and swim upstream." Oz sulked. Just then a guy who looked an awful lot like Luke Perry rushed into the room holding a book in his hands.

"Hey Giles, this book sort of materialized at my house, so I figured it was one of your." He said.

"I'll take that." Buffy said simply as she snatched the book from the guy's hands.

"Hey!" He protested.

"Sorry, but this book might be my meal ticket home. Who the hell are you suppose to be anyway?"

"I'm Pike."

"Pike's not a name it's a fish."

"I'm from an Alternate Universe where you never went to Sunnydale and you stayed in an obscure 80's movie and you were played by Kristi Swanson." He said

"Yecch, now that's a reality I never want to see." Buffy groaned, and then she looked at the book's title.

"Hmmm, silly fic. This must be the way home." Buffy opened the book and was instantly sucked inside. TO BE CONTINUED...Eventually.


	8. Chapter 7: I was Born to Wuv U!

Author's Note: High B flat.

Author's Real Note: I have an editor! Uber-props to babies-stole-my-dingo, who has agreed to format my stories. Thanks, Julie! This fic is sort of a combination of the Angst, Waff, and High school AU genres all wrapped up in your basic Buffy/Spike package. I wanted to do a chapter on each, but didn't have enough material, so I just combined them into one big ship fic. So rejoice, all you Spuffy fans (and Kay who requested it), because this fic's for you.

Buffy the Cliche Slayer

Chapter 8: I Was born to Wuv U

Steve-0, Angel, Indiana Jones, and Lindsey were all inside the Magic Box watching the time go by.

THIS FIC IS TAKING FOREVER TO FINISH.

"I know--it's like on of those Saturday Night Live sketches. It's like it just goes on and on. The same joke over and over again," Angel said.

OKAY, I GOT IT.

There was an awkward silence.

"You know the last chapter wasn't as good as the one before it," Angel noted.

I NOTICED THAT. IT'S SORT OF LIKE YOU KNOW HOW SEASON THREE WAS AWESOME, BUT THEN SEASON FOUR KIND OF SUCKED, BUT IT HAD ITS GOOD POINTS TOO. YEAH, WELL...I THINK CHAPTER SEVEN WAS MY SEASON FOUR.

"Oh. Hey, wait a minute--Season Four didn't have any good points!" Angel said after a brief pause of recognition.

"Neither did chapter seven," Lindsey quipped.

I'M STILL IN THE ROOM, YOU KNOW!

"Let's just hope you don't write a chapter that's like Season Six. Because the last time I checked you still had readers," Angel said.

OH! HEY, LOOK, SPIKE'S IN THE CRYSTAL BALL.

"Lawn ornament," Angel corrected.

WHATEVER.

The sky opened up inside of Spike's crypt. Spike fell out of it and landed on a hard, stone slab.

"Ouch! Bloody hell! Haven't you ever heard of a pillow factory? You copyright-infringin' wanker!" Spike cursed up at the sky. His rant was interrupted by the sound of a soft sobbing originating from behind him. Spike turned to see an alternative version of himself lying in the fetal position, and cradling a cell phone.

"Why? Why hasn't she called?" He whined and sniffled.

He looked exactly like Spike, but he was much younger, and he wore a prep school uniform. Spike walked over to his younger alternative self, and placed his hand on his shoulder. "Why hasn't who called?" he asked, morbidly curious.

"Buffy!" he wailed. "I gave her my number! She knows I'm here! Why hasn't she called? I bet you she's with that Angel git. He's the captain of the football team, and I'm just the sensitive, loner-type poet."

"Dear God, I've wandered into a John Hughes movie," Spike muttered to himself. "Okay, Nancy-boy, up you go. Now you want to tell me why you're lying on the floor here like some sniveling puppy?" Spike asked as he helped Wuss Spike up off the floor.

Wuss Spike sniffed a few times then wiped his nose with his sleeve. "Okay, so there's this really cute head cheerleader named Buffy that I like, see? And I think she likes me too, but her friends and parents don't like me, because I'm from the wrong side of the tracks. Right?"

"Sounds vaguely familiar; go on," Spike said, as he arched a brow.

"Well, then there's Angel, her football player ex-boyfriend, who is always picking on me because I'm not popular. He wants to win Buffy back, but Buffy is unsure of her feelings, and--"

"All right, stop!" Spike interrupted. "Do you want to know how this plays out? Buffy chooses neither of you. She doesn't choose Angel, because she's smart enough to spot a relationship that goes nowhere when she sees one; and, let's face it, she's been playing us...err...I mean you like a fiddle from the get-go," Spike said, disgusted by the fact that he could actually see himself in this pathetic wanker.

"S-She doesn't return my love in the end?" Wuss Spike whimpered.

"No! You dumb sod! She didn't return your love from the beginning! What makes you think she'll return it in the end? You could literally lay down your life for the woman, and she still wouldn't care! Sure she'll say she loves you, but that's just so you'll put on a pretty trinket and blow yourself up to avoid Hell on Earth! Now where's Drusilla? I was told this was a waif fic! So where are all the pale sickly women at?" Spike shouted.

Wuss Spike just stared at him. His eyes welled with tears, and his lower lip quivered. Finally, Wuss Spike burst into tears. "If I can't have Buffy then I want to die!" he cried, returning to his fetal position.

"Oh come on, get up. It's not all bad. In the future you might get to boff some geeky scientist from LA," Spike added helpfully.

"I don't care! All I want is Buffy!" he managed to eke out between heavy sobs.

"I'm in hell. I've died and gone to hell," Spike mumbled to himself. He decided that if he was going to get any help at all from this kid, then it was time to change tactics. He walked over to Wuss Spike's side, knelt down next to him, and grabbed the whelp by his throat. "Look, mate, I'd like to stay and help you through this, as much as I'd like to have little metal slugs crawl into my eyes and bore holes in my brain. So if you could please tell me where I can find a magical book, I'd be much obliged," Spike said, changing his tone to a more violent and threatening one.

"I heard one materialized in the library at the high school," the scared teen managed to choke out.

"Good." Spike released him. "Tell me you still have a bike that'll get me there out back."

"Motorcycles are too dangerous, but you can borrow my mom's station wagon. The keys are in the ignition," Wuss Spike said helpfully. Spike gave him a strange look. "I don't really live in this crypt, I just like to cut class, and come here to cry sometimes," he explained.

"Whatever. A word of advice, though: just let her go, man. It'll be a lot easier on us in the long run," Spike said as he started to exit the crypt.

"Thank you, strange man who came out of the sky. I'll be sure to write a poem about our encounter," Wuss Spike called out as he left.

The first thing Spike noticed when he went outside was that it was mid-afternoon. The second was that the sun hadn't turned him to dust.

"What the hell?" Spike said, shielding his eyes from the sun's bright rays.

THAT'LL BE MY DOING, Steve-0 yelled into the crystal ball...er...um...lawn ornament.

"You made me human?" Spike asked in disbelief.

WELL, NO. BUT I DID MAKE IT SO THE SUN DIDN'T TURN YOU TO DUST.

"Thanks mate." Spike smiled. Maybe this fanfic-hopping thing wasn't so bad after all, he thought.

ACTUALLY I DID IT SO IT WILL MAKE SENSE THAT YOU COULD GO TO THE HIGH SCHOOL WHILE IT WAS IN SESSION AND NOT BE A PILE OF DUST.

"You know, I'm not telling you how to do your job or anything, but since you're working this whole lovey-dovey, teenage angst angle, you just might make it the night of the prom," Spike suggested.

OOO. I LIKE THAT BETTER.

In a blink of an eye, Spike was standing in the middle of the paper-streamered Sunnydale High School Gymnasium as "My Heart Will Go On" was playing in the background. He was decked out in a tux and his hair was all slicked back.

"Me and my big, bloody mouth," he muttered.

"Spike!" a voice called out from the crowded sea of formal wear. Spike saw two teens that looked like Xander and Dawn approach him.

"Oh, Spikey-poo, I heard about my mean old sister standing you up for prom. Are you okay?" Dawn cooed.

"What do you care, niblet?" Spike scowled.

"Why, 'cause I'm your best friend, silly." Dawn laughed. "We share a strong emotional bond, even though I hated you through most of Season Seven."

"Spike. You're hurting. Let me comfort you," Xander said, with a silky and sincere voice.

"Are you daft?"

"You're in pain, I know. I feel it. Let me hold you, 'til it melts away."

"No!"

"C'mon, I'm not gay or nothing; I just want to hold you," Xander said, moving in towards Spike with his arms outstretched.

"Sod off!"

Spike blew past the two teens, and out the doors of the gym. He didn't pause to look back as he bee-lined his way to the library. There, glowing and floating in the middle of the room was a book entitled "Silly-Fic."

"Any place is better than this sappy hellhole," Spike said as he practically dove into the book.

Once he was sucked in, the book fell to the floor.

"Spike!" Buffy rushed into the library in a big, pink, ugly prom dress. "Spike, I've had an epiphany! You're my one true love! I want to stay with you forever! Spike? Spike?" Buffy looked around, but all she saw was the book.

TO BE CONTINUED

Next time: Xander and Anya go OC. Willow and Giles sing off key. And Buffy and Spike get Silly.


	9. Chapter 8: Bad Candy

**AN:** An article that is placed before a noun beginning with a vowel.

**Author's Note:** This was originally supposed to be chapter 10, but the writer's block I'm experiencing on how to write chapter 9, combined with the hectic schedule I'm keeping, forced me to switch them around in order to keep the updates flowing faster. Don't worry--Chapters 3-11 follow a distinct pattern so that it doesn't matter what order you read them in.

**Disclaimer:** I disclaim that I have ever written a songfic even in parody. If you confront me on it I will deny, and then accuse you of writing it yourself and using it to frame me. Oh and "Baby One More Time" probably belongs to whoever owns Britney Spears' label. And that's probably Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness.

Buffy the Cliche Slayer  
Chapter 9  
"Bad Candy"

The sky opened up over the stage of the Bronze, and Willow and Giles fell out. A set of three chords sounded in the background.

Ba bum bum.

"Willow?" Giles adjusted his glasses to make sure he was seeing clearly.

"Giles?" She squinted in disbelief.

OH BABY BABY

It was a re-verbed ominous voice that wasn't mine even though it is in capital letters and that's usually how I indicate that I'm speaking, but this is a parody of a songfic and most songfic lyrics are expressed in caps, so don't get confused because I'm not in this chapter, and hey while we're at it do you think this constitutes a run-on sentence?

"What was that?" Willow's voice held a hint of fear.

"It sounded like singing," Giles said as he began to walk over to comfort the young witch. Unfortunately, after he took a few steps he was struck immobile.

Ba bum bum.

OH BABY BABY

"What is it, Giles?" Willow asked.

"I couldn't move. It was like I was frozen to the spot." Giles said, as he started towards Willow again. And then he was halted--again.

OH BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

"God, what is that hideous sound? It sounds like a cat retching up a hairball," Giles said with disdain.

"I think they call it Bubblegum Pop."

"Well, it's already been chewed."

SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT HERE

"They can say that again," Willow snarked.

OH PRETTY BABY I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU GO

"Hey, I can move again!" Giles said, rushing to Willow's side.

AND NOW YOU'RE OUT OF SIGHT HERE

"I think we can only move and speak after the lyric."

SHOW ME

"Which is--"

HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE

"A pretty powerful--"

TELL ME BABY

"Spell."

CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW NOW

OH BECAUSE

...Willow stated. Giles nodded in agreement and tried to find where the song resonated from.

MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME

"And I..." Willow sang back up. Giles stared incredulously at her.

"Sorry, I couldn't control it," she said, defensive.

I MUST CONFESS I STILL BELIEVE

"Still believe..." Giles belted out, and slapped his hands over his mouth.

WHEN YOU'RE NOT WITH ME I LOSE MY MIND

"Give me a siiiiiiiign..." they sang together.

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

Willow slapped Giles.

OH BABY BABY THE REASON I BREATHE IS YOU

"What the bloody--" Giles sputtered, reeling back from the blow.

"Sorry! I didn't have control of my body there for a second," Willow cried. "It must be the song."

BOY YOU GOT ME BLINDED

"Oh, bullocks, I'm blind!" Giles said as his pupils disappeared.

"Again?"

OH PRETTY BABY THERE'S NOTHING THAT I WOULDN'T DO.

"Yes, I think we're being forced to do things so that the lyrics have a relation with our actions," Giles deducted.

THAT'S NOT THE WAY I PLANNED IT.

"That's stupid." Willow said.

"Yes, well, I didn't invent this genre."

SHOW ME

"Oh I can see again," Giles said with relief.

HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE

"Is there any sign of the next book?" Willow asked.

TELL ME BABY

"I think I see it there on that table in the back, but it will take us forever to reach it, considering that we have to stop at the end of each lyric."

CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW

"Whoa because!" Willow sang loudly in Giles ear.

MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME

Willow opened her mouth to sing backup again, but Giles quickly slapped his hand over it.

"Honestly, I don't know who sounds worse, you or her," he said.

I MUST CONFESS I STILL BELIEVE

"Sorry, Simon, I can't help it. This fanfic has a sort of karaoke effect."

"Who?" Giles asked.

WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOU I LOSE MY MIND

"Simon. He's the mean judge on 'American Idol,'" Willow explained.

GIVE ME A SIGN

"I'm not trying to be mean. It's just that there was a reason why you only sang two lines during the musical episode."

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

Willow punched Giles in the face with all her might, knocking him to the floor. "Will you stop that!" he shouted, more perturbed than ever.

"Sorry again." Willow shrugged.

A short musical interlude began to play.

"Shoot. Now we're stuck here." Willow sighed.

"Okay, as soon as she starts singing again we make a mad dash to the book," Giles instructed.

OH BABY BABY HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

"Ready."

OH PRETTY BABY I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU GO

"Go!"

I MUST CONFESS

Giles and Willow ran as hard and as fast as they could toward the book that was located at the end of the room.

THAT MY LONELINESS

Willow swerved and dived off the stage.

IS KILLING ME NOW

Giles dodged around a table.

DON'T YOU KNOW I STILL BELIEVE

Willow jumped over a chair.

THAT YOU WILL BE HERE

Giles zig-zagged his way to the bar. He was halfway to the book.

AND GIVE ME A SIGN

He started to jump over the one chair that was standing between him and his chance for freedom from his musical hell...

TRIP ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

And his foot caught the chair back and he fell flat on his face.

"That's not even the right lyric!" he shouted at the sky.

SO NOW IT'S A PARODY

"Well, I guess that explains it," Willow said as she helped Giles up.

IT'S OF THE SONGFIC VARIETY

"Just hurry and open the book."

SAME BASIC THING 'CEPT YOU CHANGE THE WORDS

Willow opened the book, and they were sucked inside.

AS LONG AS THEY RHYME

All that remained was the empty Bronze, and a book entitled Nexus."

GUESS I'LL SEE YOU ALL NEXT TIME

**Next time:** I'll write some words on the screen, and send them to my editor. She'll send them back to me after she's made them bloody with red editing ink. Then I'll submit it to Then you may choose whether or not to read and/or review it. Then I'll write some more. Exciting, huh? Yeah, I can't wait till next time either!


	10. Chapter 9: Dopplegagland

MYSELF ON THE MERCY OF MY READERS! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I DON'T DESERVE TO WRITE!" Here are my pitiful excuses:

1. I've been balancing my free time between not flunking out of college, and working on the play from hell. Any time that wasn't spent on those two things was spent either  
a. Sleeping.  
b. Eating.  
c. Relieving myself.

2. Remember when I told you I accidentally erased my word processor? Well, I accidentally erased Windows XP trying to get it back, so I've been sans computer for the past month and a half.

3. I'm pretty damn lazy, when you really boil it down.

4. Writer's Block. Why couldn't it be a cool block like a Lego or a Lincoln Log?

But fear not, cliche-heads; I'm back online, with spankin' new copies of Windows XP and Microsoft Office, and I'm ready rock your parody-craving world.

**Author's Note 2:** Old Business.  
1. Chapter 3 is fixed! I'm sorry it took so long, but it was on my hard drive when I lost Windows

2. Q: What is a waff? A: Before I came onto the Buffy forum, I use to hang out in the anime category of I didn't write anything there, just read the fics and sent anonymous reviews because I was too lazy to login. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, a waff is a mixture of a fluffy pairing/high school fantasy fic.

3. Thank you for reviewing regularly. As a token of my gratitude, if you have a favorite fanfic genre you would like to get the cliche treatment, let me know, and I'll include it in my story. (This way when I run out of ideas I can just leech off my loyal readers' creativity...crap, that was supposed to be in a white colored font! Um...pay no attention to the words in the parenthesis!)

4. This chapter is supposed to be an OC parody chapter which I'm told either means that a character is acting out of character or the fic contains and outside or other character. Not knowing which definition was better I decided to cliche them both. Also this fic goes out to the reviewer who wanted to see vampire slut Buffy.

Bet you wish I'd stop boring you with the lousy author's notes and get on with the story...yeah, me too.

So without further delay...

Buffy the Cliche Slayer  
Chapter 10  
"DoppleGagLand"

_Previously on Buffy the Cliche Slayer..._

Buffy, Xander, Anya, Willow, and Spike stand silently around the corpse of Rupert Giles. Dawn bursts through the door looking all Nancy Drew-like.

"I did it! I know who was responsible for the death of Rupert Giles!"

The lights go out, and there is a gunshot and a scream.

Oz, dressed up like Indiana Jones, is tied back to back with Cordelia, who is dressed in a dazzling lounge singer dress. They struggle against their bonds, as they are forced to sit helplessly on the floor of an ancient stone crypt that is slowly filling with water.

"This is another fine mess you've gotten us into," Cordy snaps.

"Look at it this way, the Nazis have stolen the mystical Rod of Solomon, we're about to be sealed in a dark watery tomb, and I have no idea how to get out of here. So at least things can't get any worse," Oz says.

Just then, the walls begin to close in.

"You know, I think I liked you better when you weren't written out of character, and you didn't always open your big mouth."

Tara, Kennedy, and Principal Wood, dressed in green scrubs, are operating on a broken Buffybot inside an army tent in South Korea. Faith bursts in with a distressed look on her face.

"As of 0500 hours, a helicopter carrying Privates Andrew and Riley was shot down over Cambodia. There were no survivors found at the crash site."

And now the exciting continuation of Buffy the Cliche Slayer!

**The Magic Shop**

"Hey look, Chapter Three's back online!" Lindsey exclaimed while hunched over a laptop that was sitting on the table. A few seconds later, he was done reading.

"Well, that certainly wasn't worth the hype," Angel said as he read over Lindsey's shoulder.

"Neither is this fic, when you look at it as a whole," Lindsey quipped

"Guess people will read just about anything," Angel sighed.

YEAH, LIKE I JUST READ THAT THE WB ISN'T PICKING UP ANY MORE SEASONS OF ANGEL.

"What?" Angel and Lindsey turned to face Steve-0.

YEP, BUT HEY, MAYBE SCI-FI'LL PICK YOU UP.

"Oh, God, my career is over!" Lindsey cried.

"I'm going to need two quarts of ice cream, and some time alone please," Angel sniffled.

UM, SURE THING, BIG GUY, BUT LET'S CHECK IN ON YOUR FRIENDS FIRST. Steve-0 pointed to the crystal ball/Wal-Mart lawn ornament.

"Oh, who cares? I'm about to get syndicated!" Angel had managed to find a large pot full of M&Ms and was now alternating between sobbing loudly and stuffing his face.

OK, YEAH, I'LL JUST WATCH BY MYSELF. Steve-0 backed away slowly from the brooding vamp.

The sky opened up inside the living room of Buffy's house and...blah, blah, blah, you know the drill by now. Anya landed safely and comfortably on the sofa, while Xander's fall was broken by the glass coffee table.

"Ouch! Pain!" Xander slowly got to his feet and dusted the glass shards off his clothes. "Oh, how fair is that?" he said, motioning to the reclined position Anya had shifted to when she fell.

She smiled cutely at him. "I guess the gods like me."

"Or, the writer's a total fan-boy with a crush."

"Can you blame him?" She batted her eyes at Xander.

"No, not completely." He smiled back, and snuggled close beside her.

"So, any idea where we are now?" Anya asked

"Well judging from that freshly boarded-up hole in the bay window and the string of sleeping bags all over the floor, I'd imagine we're in Buffy's house during that never ending episode known as Season Seven," Xander answered.

"Swell. That means if we run into Buffy we'll have to listen to one of her fifteen minute long speeches, which were powerful and dramatic the first couple of times, but now are about as riveting as the owner's manual to my blender." Anya rolled her eyes. Just then Buffy burst through the door. Her hair was teased, and she was wearing five-inch-thick make-up and a bottle of perfume. She was attired in a black mini-skirt and a green halter top with a red bra. She pounced on top of Xander without a word and started making out with him.

"Xander Harris!" Anya shouted, as she tried to pry Buffy off of him.

"Back off, hussy! I saw him first!" Buffy hissed at Anya.

"Like hell you did! Xander, don't just sit there--do something!" Anya yelled as she smacked him over the head.

"Hey come on, Buff, cut it out! Hey cut that out! That tickles! Hee hee. Now, I'm warning you..." Xander protested weakly, as Buffy licked the nape of his neck.

"Nice, Harris. Real forceful," Anya said, her arms crossed in disapproval.

"It's useless, Anya. He's completely enthralled with me. It's a little trick I picked up from Dracula when he turned me. It's also a little trick I used when I seduced and ate Giles."

"Eww!" Anya wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"And now your little Xander here is about to be dessert," Buffy purred, putting on her vamp face.

"Over my dead body!" Anya yelled as she lunged herself at Buffy. In a blink of an eye, Buffy jumped off Xander, spun around and kicked Anya, knocking her into the wall.

"Over your dead body? Was that a pun? Funny." Buffy smiled cockily, and returned to her task--as a mysterious figure rushed into the room and staked Buffy with the sharpened handle of a mop.

"Take that, vile seductress!" the mysterious man shouted as Buffy turned to dust. The man went to Anya and helped her to her feet.

"Whew, thanks, that was a close one," Anya said, brushing herself off.

"You can say that again. Who are you, mysterious mop man?" Xander asked, making his way over to the two.

"I'm Bob, the Universal Vampire-Slaying Janitor. My posse and I have come here to stop the First from resurfacing."

"Posse?" Xander asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't introduced you to my gang. OC Scooby Task Force, assemble!" Bob shouted, and the next thing you know a group of six started to fill the room. Xander and Anya could vaguely pick out three of them, but the other three they'd never seen.

"OC Scooby Task Force?" Anya asked.

"OC. It either stands for Other Character or Out of Canon; we're not sure which, so we formed a team including both. Hi, I'm talkative Oz. I'm just like the old Oz, except I tend to go off on these tangents of rambling where I go on and on, and I just can't stop talking. Do you know what that's like? I bet you don't, so I'll tell you! It's like having a piece of candy stuck in your teeth, and you're digging at it with your tongue but you can't get it so you stick your finger in there, but that doesn't work either, so you grab a toothpick and you're picking and picking, but it's not moving so you pick some more..." Oz turned blue and collapsed on the floor. Faith rushed to him and raised his head off the floor and placed it in her lap, as she fanned him with her other hand.

"Aww, poor Ozzie-poo! You forget to breathe when you're talking, silly. You know that if you don't stop that you're just going to keep on passing out." Faith giggled.

"Are you sure he's not sick? If he's getting sick I don't want to catch it. You better keep him away from me; I'm afraid of germs," Spike said.

Faith gently put Oz's head down and moved towards Xander and Anya with her hand out-stretched. She wore a cherry printed sundress and a straw hat.

"Hi, I'm sweet as pie Faithie, and this is Wuss Spike from Chapter 8," Faith said as she shook Anya's hand.

"What's up, Wuss Spike," Xander said, going over to him to shake his hand.

"Eeeek! Don't hurt me!" Wuss Spike yelped and hid behind Bob.

Just then a serious-looking 12-year-old girl dressed in blue and white robes stepped forth.

"I am Seera, a seer from another galaxy, and I predict doom for you." The girl pointed to Xander.

"Wh-What kind of doom?" Xander gulped.

"I predict that in desperation you'll take a job where you'll play the gay best friend of the main character in a Fox Family Channel made-for-TV movie," Seera soothsaid.

"Sucks to be you, son!" shouted a gruff, muscular man dressed as a stereotypical drill sergeant. He was followed by a small pink dragon.

"Name's Sgt. Savage and I am a one man army in a war against them damn vamps, and this is our pet dragon, Queef!" He smiled as the dragon flew around in a circle.

Xander looked at Anya, who looked back at him.

"Ok, I draw the line at pink dragons named Queef," Xander said.

"Me too." Anya turned to Bob. "You wouldn't happen to have seen a magical, leather-bound book floating around anywhere, have you?"

Seera reached into her robes and pulled out a book matching the description.

"You mean this book that opens up a portal to a different fanfic genre dimension every time that its opened?" Seera asked, handing Anya the book entitled Nexus."

"Yes! How did you know?"

"I read spoilers," Seera said.

"What?"

"Never mind. Let's just get out of this freak show, before we're asked to join them," Xander said, grabbing the book and opening it. He and Anya were sucked inside.

"Where did they go?" Wuss Spike cried.

Just then the sky opened up, and Mary-Sue fell from the hole and landed in Bob's arms.

"Oh my! That was some trip, and, look! Not one hair out of place," she said as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"Who are you?" Bob asked.

"I'm Mary-Sue, and I'm perfect."

Just then another portal opened, and Tarot from Chapter Four and Woody from Chapter Five fell from it.

"Ooo, child, that little wind tunnel better not have mussed my hair," Woody squealed.

"You're bald, jackass!" the mulletted six-year-old snarled. "Now, look out, there's another portal opening up, and it's a big one."

The portal was the size of the entire living room, as everyone ran for cover. Cyborg Giles from Chapter Seven, and Sailor Moon from Chapter Six (well, not really, but I meant her to be) fell out.

"Ow, my circuits!" Cyborg Giles cried.

"Oof, what are we doing here?" Sailor Moon asked, surveying her surroundings.

SIMPLE. I SUMMONED YOU, said a mysterious figure. (I'll give you three guesses on who it is and the first two don't count.)

YOU ALL HAVE ALL BEEN BROUGHT HERE FOR ONE REASON: TO DESTROY BUFFY AND HER SCOOBY GANG! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

To Be Continued...

**Next Time:** Umm, I don't really remember what happens next. Let's just bask in the rays of the cliffhanger ending, instead. Ahhh, now that's refreshing.


	11. Chapter 10: Sillyfest

Author's Note: This Fic has been evicted. It has 30 days to evacuate the premises of Note: Bob the Universal janitor is from my original cliché series entitled The Cliché, which is about an entirely different fandom, and also not very good.

Author's Real Note: Ok I know doing a silly-fic parody for this fic, is like trying to fill up the ocean with an eye-dropper. (Hmm, that sounded really deep, yet still made no sense at all.) The analogy I'm trying to make is doing a silly fic parody of this fic, is like how those Scary Movie movies were suppose to be a parody of Scream, but Scream was a parody of horror movies, so it ended up being a parody of a parody, which is kind of redundant and…well, stupid. But I'm doing it anyway. So endure…

**Buffy the Cliché Slayer**

**Chapter 12**

"**Silly-fest"**

Previously on Buffy the Cliché Slayer…

Look, if you want to know what happened in the last chapter hit the back button on the top of your screen, you lazy bastards.

The Magic Box

Lindsey sat on the floor outside the bathroom door. His head was resting just below the doorknob. It had been four hours since his costar had locked himself in there, and Lindsey had just drunk a full pot of coffee. He had two choices he could either use the restroom in the pot and then tell Steve-0 he made a pitcher of lemonade when he returned, or try to get Angel out of the bathroom, so he wouldn't get kicked out of the fic. So since he was on hiatus anyway, and nothing better to do he chose the latter.

"Angel." He called out.

"…" Silence.

"Angel, buddy."

"…Go away!" A voice resounded. It sounded like a mixture of crying, talking and chewing.

"Come on, Angel it's time to come out of the bathroom."

"No." Angel pouted.

"You know you can't stay in there forever why don't you come out and we'll talk about it?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm ugly."

"Oh come on, you're not ugly!"

"Yes I am!" Angel wailed. "I'm ugly, and I'm fat and that's why they cancelled my show!"

"You know that's not true." Lindsey said as he pounded the back of his head against the door.

"Yes it is!" That's when Lindsey remembered the crystal ball/Wal-Mart lawn ornament, which was flickering with the image of Steve-0 and his army.

"Hey if you come out you can watch Steve-0 screw up his fanfic with more incontinuity, and confusing story-telling skills."

"Really?" Angel said as he poked his fat head out the door.

"Yeah just look." Lindsey said pushing the soul and jelly-filled vampire out of the way and closing the bathroom door behind him. Angel wiped the tears from his eyes and peered into the ball.

Meanwhile back in Chapter 11…

"You want us to do what?" Cyborg Giles said in disbelief.

I WANT YOU TO KILL BUFFY AND HER SCOOBY GANG.

"Why?" Wuss Spike asked.

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T DONE A CHARACTER DEATH CHAPTER YET, AND I'M GETTING TIRED OF WRITING THIS STORY. PLUS, WHAT'S A MORE CLICHED ENDING THEN KILLING OFF A MAIN CHARACTER AND A FEW PRINCIPLES? I MEAN LOOK HOW MANY TIMES THEY DID IT IN THE SHOW.

"But how?" Tarot asked.

I DON'T KNOW YOU JUST KILL THEM.

"No, what she means is how are we going to kill them? You brought all of us here to this chapter after you sent all of them to another chapter." Bob said.

"Not only that, baby, you sent all but two of them into the Fanfiction Nexus, and trying to find a specific character in there is like trying to find a good deal at Macy's." Woody said.

"So how are we going to find them?" Sailor Moon asked.

UMM…UH…I HAVEN'T QUITE FIGURED THAT OUT YET.

"Why do I get the feeling that he doesn't really plan these chapters out before he writes them?" Mary Sue asked.

"Have you not been reading this fic?" Cyborg Giles asked.

WELL, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF TIME BEFORE I FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX THIS, SO WHILE WE WAIT…" Steve-0 reached into a pocket of space and pulled out an edition of Candyland. "DOES ANYBODY WANT TO PLAY CANDYLAND?"

Finally in Chapter 12…

The sky split open above the winding streets of an abstract and cartoony rendition of Sunnydale, and Buffy and Spike fell out, and landed on the street, knocking them unconscious. Six words later they regained consciousness.

"Oaf!"

"Ugh!"

The two groaned as they Spike was the first one to get up and dust himself off.

"I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that you were some high school prom queen, and I was a poetic geek, and we were being forced to live out a John Hughes movie." Spike groaned.

"That wasn't a dream, Spike. It was premise for 87 of the Spuffy fanfics out there on the web today." Buffy answered.

"Oh." Spike looked around. "So this isn't a dream either?" He asked as he helped Buffy to her feet.

" 'fraid not, and this doesn't look like Kansas anymore either." Buffy said cryptically as she noticed her surroundings. The landscape looked like what would have happened had Joss Whedon hired El Salvador Dali as his scenic designer.

"Bloody Hell." Spike cursed as he did the same.

"Well I guess our best course of action is to keep moving till we find the next book." Buffy said as she started walking away.

The pair walked for what seemed miles in silence until Buffy finally broke the tension.

"So when were you planning on telling me you were still alive?" Buffy asked. Spike froze, he knew this question was coming, but he still hadn't decided on how to answer it.

He could tell her the truth, that he wanted his death to mean something to her, and that he had been given a second chance he thought would have cheapen what his dying meant to her. He was about to apologize, and express his true feelings when out of nowhere he gets hit by a semi-truck with the number 1 ¾ scrawled in crayon on the license plate. It drove on another thirty yards, and then came to a screeching halt.

"Spike!" Buffy cried.

Spike was flattened like a pancake, but otherwise unharmed.

"I'm all right, just feeling a bit flat." He said dazed slightly by the blow. He blew on his thumb, and began to fill out. Just then, as Spike got up to dust off his duster the truck revved its engine, and began to back up at the same speed in which it originally hit Spike.

"Oh bloody hell." Spike cursed softly as the truck came to a screeching halt right on top of the bleach blonde vampire.

Buffy watched the spectacle in a mixture of awe and confusion. Suddenly the door to the truck swung open to reveal a small white rat in a police uniform. The rat scurried out of the truck and on to the road, and then stood up on its hind legs.

"Buffy Summers and William Bloody?" The rat asked with a voice that sounded vaguely familiar.

"Amy?"

"Yes, I'm looking for Buffy Summers and a William Bloody." The rat stated.

"Actually it's William the Bloody." Buffy corrected.

"Actually it's Spike, now will you get this Soddin' truck off of me!" Spike cried from underneath the tire of the semi.

Amy snapped her rat fingers and the truck disappeared. The tire-marked Spike crawled over to Buffy. Amy pulled out a small card from the pocket of her uniform and began to read from it.

"Elizabeth "Buffy" Summers and Billy Bloody, you two are under arrest for the crimes of trying to have a serious, plot-driven conversation in the middle of a silly-fic. You have the right to remain silly. Anything you say can't and will not make sense for the remainder of this chapter. You have the right to act completely out of cannon, if you can't do that; the writer will do so for you. Any questions?"

"Um, you got our names wrong again." Buffy stated.

"Who cares this is a silly-fic. Nobody does research for a silly-fic, because continuity, and good story telling isn't the goal."

"Then what is the goal?" Spike asked.

"Well right now the author's goal is to see how many times he can use the word silly without it getting too redundant." Amy explained.

"Did somebody say redundant?" Giles shouted as he jumped out of a hole in the sidewalk. He was dressed as a Cabana Girl, and began to salsa dance around the two confused protagonists.

"There's something you don't see every day." Spike observed. Just then Buffy farted loudly. Amy and Cabana Giles fell on the floor laughing hysterically.

"Now what was the purpose of that?" Buffy said visibly offended.

"Fart joke. Every silly fic has to have one."

"Hey, Rat Amy do you know what time it is?" Cabana Giles asked. Rat Amy, checked her watch.

"It's obscene humor time!" Rat Amy shouted. Cabana Giles knocked three times on a nearby mailbox and a midget that looked surprisingly a lot like Dawn opened the slot.

"What the #$ do you want? You #$$. I was just #!#$ your mom when you #$$! Interrupted me you!#, &#, &&#, Rob Reiner!"

"Hey, Chibi-Dawn, what's the inside joke of the day?" Amy asked.

"Aunt Margo ate my hamster!" Dawn shouted and the three of them fell back with laughter, while the disturbed Spike and Buffy looked on.

"Buffy, we've got to get out of here. This place makes less sense then new season of Charmed." Spike whispered.

"I know! It reminds me of what it would be like if we did an episode of Buffy with Mexican wrestlers or evil talking puppets." Buffy whispered back.

"Easy! At least some of us are still working."

"Whatever, let's just slowly back away while they're still laughing." Buffy suggested. The two tip-toed back a few paces, turned around and ran away. They waited till the obnoxious trio was out of sight, before stopping to catch their breath.

Huff Puff "Okay, so far I hate this chapter the most." Spike wheezed.

Huff "No kidding." Buffy concurred. "Look, off in the distance, is that another book?" She cried pointing to a floating object that lay on the horizon.

"God I hope so." Spike said as they ran towards the object.

There it was, as predictable as ever, a book entitled Fanfiction Nexus levitated before them. Buffy quickly opened it and the two were sucked in. The book fell to the ground.

Five minutes later.

A hole opened up in the middle of the sky, and Steve-0 and his band of Scooby killers fell out of it and landed harshly on the ground in a heap.

OW!

"Ugh!"

"Oof!"

"Eek!"

"Ohh!"

"Will you get off of me, Sailor Moon? You're a lot heavier than you look." Cyborg Giles complained.

"Could've been worse. Steve-0 could have picked Optimus Prime to represent the crossover chapter. Then we'd all be dead." Sailor moon said as she rolled off of the robotic watcher.

"Hey wait. Sailor Moon wasn't in the crossover chapter." Woody stated.

OKAY, WE'VE ARRIVED. NOW GO KILL THE SCOOBIES.

"They're not here." Mary-Sue said.

WHAT?

"You sent us to the wrong place! Again!" Tarot barked.

OH DARN IT ALL. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.

"Speaking of your teeming list of failures, didn't you all think this chapter was a little…?"

"Awful." Woody chimed.

"I was going to say forced." Bob said.

"Yes, it definitely wasn't as funny as the last chapters." Mary Sue noted.

"It definitely wasn't funny period." Tarot snipped.

LOOK, IF I WANTED TO HAVE MY WRITING CRITICIZED I WOULD HAVE STAYED WITH ANGEL AND LINDSEY. NOW DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE BUFFY AND HER FRIENDS COULD BE NOW?

"This is just a hunch, but do you think they might be in this book here?" Wuss Spike asked as he picked up the Fanfiction Nexus book.

GOOD WORK, WUSS SPIKE. Steve-0 said as he went to pat W. Spike on the head.

"Ahhh! Don't hurt me!" Wuss spike cried and recoiled.

NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. THIS CHAPTER JUMPING SCHTICK IS GETTING REDUNDANT.

"Did somebody say redundant?" Cabana Giles shouted as he led a Congo line of Amy and Dawn towards Steve-0 and the others.

OPEN THE BOOK! OPEN THE BOOK! QUICK! Steve-0 shouted.

Tarot complied and the band of antagonists was quickly sucked inside. Cabana Giles, Rat Amy, and Chibi-Dawn looked down at the ground sadly, because now they had no purpose in the story even though they didn't have a purpose to begin with.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Next time on Buffy the Cliché Slayer: I will use the letter "t" at least once in the next chapter. I know you can't wait to see that. See you then!


	12. Chapter 11: End of Fics

Author's Goat: Baaaa!

Author's Real Note Sniff Sniff Here it is, the last few chapters of the Buffy the Cliché Slayer series. I want to thank all of my readers for reading it, all of my reviewers for reviewing it. All the people who put it on their favorites list for…you know putting it on their favorites list, Babies Ate My Dingo for making a second-graders term paper look like an actual work of Fanfiction. I also want to thank Clippie, the animated paper clip the on the right hand corner of my Microsoft Word screen, who spent hours of looking sleepy, and scratching his head while I type, morphing into a bicycle, and turning into an exclamation point when I make a mistake, and provided me with the much needed entertainment as we burned the midnight oil writing this piece of satirical crap. Now, because PAX turned down my idea for a Riley spin-off, I bring you…

**Buffy the Cliché Slayer**

**Chapter 13**

"**End of Fics"**

Previously on Buffy the Cliché Slayer…

Andrew sulked in the corner

"I wonder if it has anything to do with Guns and Roses."

"No problem, those creeps were no match for a magic using, half-

Demon/slayer/watcher/werewolf." Mary-Sue bragged.

"Did I say in the sandbox? I meant is the sandbox. I've got to get better at this sun allergy thing. Now am I forgetting anyone else?"

That's right, Buff, SHAKE MY HAND! SHAKE MY HAND all night long!

"Optimus Prime!"

I'm not. That's Buffet: The Vampire Slayer.

"You're in pain, I know. I feel it. Let me hold you, 'til it melts away

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't introduced you to my gang. OC Scooby Task Force, assemble!"

OPEN THE BOOK! OPEN THE BOOK! QUICK!

And now the exciting conclusion of Buffy the Cliché Slayer…right after this brief interlude between Angel and Lindsey at the Magic Box.

"That's it. It's over." Angel sighed as he sat down next to Lindsey.

"I know and it was one of those cliffhanger endings too. I hate when they end a series like that. I need closure." Lindsey said.

"You know this is all Buffy's fault. If she hadn't left the franchise in the first place we would still have a show."

"True, but we wouldn't have gotten Spike either, and he saved our ratings."

"So what now?" Angel asked.

"I guess we just sit here and watch the end of fic." Lindsey said.

"This fic is ending too?" Angel cried.

"Well yeah, the author has been beating the same dead horse for the past thirteen chapters. How much further did you think he could take this?"

"I just don't believe it." Angel said in disbelief.

"Wow, are you really that torn up about it?" Lindsey asked also in disbelief.

"Torn up? No I'm just stoked about not having to be the butt of any more fat jokes!" Angel said.

"Mmm, good point. Twinkie?" Lindsey asked as he offered Angel the golden pastry.

"Don't mind if I do."

Meanwhile…

The sky split open and all six of our adventurers fell out landing in six holes in the ground that were approximately six feet deep. (Note to Christian Conservative parents: The use of the numbers 666 in one sentence is just mere coincidence. This fic has no ties to Satan or the occult. Praise Lucifer.) Buffy was the first to crawl from the hole she turned around to see a headstone reading: Here Lies Buffy Summers Daughter, Sister, etc, etc.

"Oh God didn't we all ready use this plot? Twice!" Buffy groaned.

"Three times if you count the time you died and Willow revived you at the end of Season Six." Anya added helpfully from her hole.

"Sorry, thrice."

"Five, if you count Angel and me both dying and coming back. Although since they're both vampires that means they had both died and come back once before, so technically that's seven." Spike added.

"Right, that's not the point I was trying to make…"

"Oh and don't forget the Nightmare." Xander added. "She technically died in that episode too. That's six."

"And are we counting the fact that Tara, Joyce, Ms. Calendar, and I are all supposed dead, but our now alive and kicking in this Fanfiction that's ten. Oh and did you the time everyone died in the alternate reality from The Wish episode? Cause that's like…" Anya continued.

"Anya!" Buffy shouted exasperatiously.

"Where are we?" Willow asked as she climbed out her grave.

"It appears to be a parallel universe where everyone in our party is dead." Giles noted.

IT'S CALLED A CHARACTER DEATH FIC. AND I THINK IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE FOR YOUR FINAL STOP IN THE LAND OF FANFICTION. A familiar voice boomed from the sky.

The six heroes looked upward to see the sky split open, and Steve-0 and his Anti-Scoobies land grace fully before them.

SINCE THIS FANFICTION IS PRESENTLY NOT REALLY GOING ANYWHERE. I OFFER YOU THIS CHALLENGE. A BATTLE BETWEEN SIX OF YOUR GREATEST CHAMPIONS AGAINST SEVEN OF MY GREATEST CHAMPIONS THE WINNER WILL GO HOME AND THE LOSER WILL BE WRITTEN OUT OF THE STORY.

"Six against seven that's hardly fair." Xander whined.

FINE. I'LL ALLOW YOU ONE MORE.

Steve pulled a poke ball from his back pocket and threw down before his feet.

FAT ANGEL I CHOOSE YOU.

The ball cracked open and Angel materialized before them guiltily engorging himself in a piece of chocolate cake.

"I swear the diet starts tomorrow." Angel said.

Steve-0 smacked his forehead in disgust.

ANGEL, CLEAN YOURSELF UP AND GO BE ON THEIR TEAM.

"Aww last picked again." Angel sobbed and shuffled sadly to Buffy's side.

AND NOW LET THE CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS IN THE REALM OF FANFICTION BEGIN!

Steve-0 held aloft his mighty magic 8-ball, and the ground began to quake and the sky grew dark and tempestuous. (Thank-you Microsoft Word thesaurus, stormy didn't dramatic enough.) Thunder rolled and the lightning struck, as the fourteen newly-deemed gladiators were sucked inside of the ominous tiny black sphere with a smaller white circle painted on it with an eight printed boldly in the center, and full of liquid that had a tiny triangle with answers to yes or no questions that floated within that liquid and made visible by a small window also on the ball. (Sorry the thesaurus didn't have another word for Magic 8-ball.")

"t"

TO BE CONTINUED…

Dyslexic Author's Note: Sorry it's so short. I'm writing it at work as we speak. The next one will be longer and more eventful I promise, but I figured I should put something out there till then.

NEXT TIME ON BUFFY THE CLICHÉ SLAYER: The exciting, thrill-packed, anti-climactic conclusion!


	13. Chapter 12: Lies this Author Told You

Author's Foot Note: According to Dr. Johnston's Clichetography, Chapter 5, pp. 123-127, The word cliché has been said to have originated in Ancient Egypt, and was used as a Holy Word meaning "Mummy F&ker". IE Boy, that Ramses 2 is one dirty cliché.

Previously on Buffy the Cliché Slayer:

"Oy, we landed in some graves." Buffy said.

"Blimey, Steve-0 has raised an army made up of characters from past chapters and challenged us to duel." Willow stated.

"Beuno." Xander admitted.

And now the shocking conclusion of…

**Buffy the Cliché Slayer**

**Chapter 13.**

"**Emotional Problems."**

Hi this is Steve-0, author of Buffy the Cliché Slayer, Scooby Doo meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Cliché, and the three original plays Death Orders the Salad, Title Pending and Stuck Here With You. I am writing this chapter to say that I have been having emotional problems and won't be able to update for an indefinite amount of time. I know this should make you all feel sorry for me, and forget about the huge time span I take between updates. This is a serious call for help and not a parody of chapter on chapters in which the Fanfic Authors use their stories to explain why they haven't updated…or is it?

Find out the answer to this burning question in…

Buffy the Cliché Slayer Chapter 14 "Chosen…To be the Last Chapter"

TO BE CONTINUED


	14. Chapter 13:Chosen to be the last chapter

Author's Note: Dear diary: Today I started the last chapter of the Buffy the Cliché Slayer. It's been a fun ride, and now it's drawing to a close. Oh well nothing last forever, even cold November rain.

AN: I don't even know where to start with the excuses for not updating in so long.

Ironically, the last chapter was just a joke. I wasn't having any emotional problems other then the fact that I was a little distraught over not knowing how to end this fic. Oh and I also had my account suspended for a while. It was because of a little mix-up in another forum. Apparently you can make ludicrous claims about another author, and the moderators will delete your fic and suspend your account without even seeing if the claim is true or not. They also won't respond to your e-mails explaining the situation either. So bottom line: This site sucks! I hate you with a hate that knows no bounds. Four years ago, you use to be cool. Now you suck worse than Everwood.

BTW: A lot of people have been confused, and if not they should be, about me adding Sailor Moon being the representative of the cross-over chapter when she wasn't even in the crossover chapter. The reason is this: I forgot to put her in when I was writing that chapter and I wanted to use her for this chapter, because I can recycle the jokes I had from a never written Sailor Moon parody fic in this chapter and not have to come up with any original ones. I'm allowed to do this because I'm the writer and I can do anything I want and it doesn't have to make sense. I'm sort of like George W. Bush in this aspect.

This last chapter's dedicated to the fans; could kiss my skinny white ass.

**Buffy the Cliché Slayer**

**Chapter 14**

"**Chosen…to be the Last Chapter."**

THE MAGIC BOX

Lindsey looked around the empty magic box, and wondered where everyone went.

"Hello? I wonder where everyone went." He asked. See, would I lie to you?

The Wal-Mart Lawn Ornament glow brightly. Lindsey rushed to it just in time to see Steve-0 and fat Angel getting sucked into a large portal.

"Oh this is butt! Everyone gets to go on the final adventure but me?" He asked to know when in particular.

"Well that's it then. I don't need this crap I'm in Friday Night Lights the number 2 movie in the theatres right now. So you can take your little fanfic and stuff it Steve-0. It didn't make any sense to have me here anyway. I mean at least Wes was a member of the original series. You should have used him!" Lindsey shouted, and with that quietly walked out the door.

IN THE NEXUS

Steve-0's voice boomed in the background.

ATTENTION COMBATANTS THESE ARE THE RULES OF THE FIRST EVER CLICHÉ CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS:

YOU HAVE EACH BEEN TEAMED UP WITH AN OPPONENT.

YOU WILL FACE YOUR OPPONENT IN A FANFIC REALM OF MY CHOICE.

THE PERSON WHO DEFEATS THEIR OPPONENT GETS A POINT FOR HIS OR HER TEAM.

THE TEAM WITH THE MOST POINTS WINS.

IF IN THE EVENT, THERE IS A TIE IT WOULD MEAN THAT I AM NO LONGER WRITING THIS FIC, AND FROM THEN ON OUT IT'S ANYTHING GOES.

PLEASE ILLEAGALLY DOWNLOAD THE THEME FROM THE MORTAL KOMBAT MOVIE TO PLAY ON LOOP IN THE BACKGROUND AS YOU READ THIS FIC.

**Round 1**

"**Xander vs. Wuss Spike"**

The sky opened up and Xander and Wuss Spike landed into two empty graves from Chapter 12. After groaning from the pain of their fall, hey each get out of there respected grave, and dust themselves off.

"Hey wait, we didn't actually go anywhere?" W. Spike noticed.

"I think the author just wanted to drop us from the sky onto a hard surface one more time." Xander noted.

"Oh." Wuss Spike put on his vamp face. "Well I guess I have to fight you."

"Are you serious? No offense dude, but I kind of figured you would just give up as soon as we landed. I mean you're not what anyone a tough adversary. I mean face it. You make Jonathan look like a badass." Xander scoffed.

"You've got room to talk." W. Spike said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well you weren't really the toughest character on the show either. I mean Buffy, Spike, Faith and Angel were the muscle. Willow, Tara, and Giles could use magic. Dawn was the key (whatever the hell that means.) Anya was a vengeance demon. Oz was a werewolf. Wes and Cordy even went on to outrank you in terms of power and fighting ability. I mean, come on even Riley, Kennedy, and Principal Wood are more useful than you were. Let's face it contribution to the team was somewhere in between Andrew and Joyce."

Xander looked like he was about to cry.

"Hey words hurt!"

"I know." W. Spike said.

"I was so useful." Xander sniveled.

"You were a carpenter."

"So was Jesus."

"Yeah but he could perform miracles."

"What do you call staying on a show for seven seasons without actually contributing anything to its overall lot?"

"Bad agent? I mean I would have held out for a talking car or something."

"Hey, let's just fight." Xander said putting up his dukes.

"Geez, I would but I really don't think you're worth it." Wuss Spike explained. Xander went to take a swing at his insulting malefactor (Really just because the author wanted the chance to use the word malefactor in a sentence.), but Wuss Spike used his Special Super Cower in a Ball move, and dodged. Then Wuss Spike went Vamp face and went in for the bite attack, Xander blocked and countered with a sucker punch to the kidney. Wuss gasped and stumbled back into an open grave.

"Ouch! No Fair!" Wuss Spike whined.

"Yeah well neither is being the most useless charcter in a TV show for the past seven seasons." Xander retorted.

Just then Xander was hit by a beam of light and an ominous voice announced

"**TEAM BUFFY vs. TEAM STEVE-0: 1-0"**

The sky began to split open and a giant floating Magic 8-ball appeared and sucked Xander up inside of it. Xander was then spit out of the 8-ball that was lying on the floor of the deserted Magic Box, and finally found himself back home.

**Round 2**

"**Buffy vs. Sailor Moon"**

The sky opened up and Buffy and Sailor Moon fell out and landed in playground of Xander and Dawn's Sunnydale Sitters from Chapter Four. Buffy flipped herself around in mid-air and landed gracefully on the picnic table. Sailor Moon landed head first into the sandbox. Buffy rolled her eyes.

"What the hell are you suppose to be?"

"I stand for love and I stand for justice. I am Pretty Solider Sailor Moon, and on behalf of the moon I will punish you!" Sailor Moon shouted in an ear-splittingly annoying high-pitched shrill as she did a spastic set of ridiculous poses.

"Yeah whatever, let's just fight and get this over with; so I can take a hot bath and you can go trick or treating, or to one of those geek conventions." Buffy said taking a normal fighting stance.

"Prepare to be eliminated! MOON TIARA MAGIC!" Sailor Moon yelled. As she did a slow-motion spin, removed the golden crown from her head and chucked at the unsuspecting vampire slayer in the face.

"Ow! What the hell? Did you throw jewelry at me? Who the hell fights like that? My nose! Oh if you broke my nose they're going to be picking up pieces of rainbow-colored mini-skirts out of the sandbox for weeks." Buffy said rubbing her nose.

"Oh it's on, bitch." She said and came rushing at Sailor Moon.

"It appears you have evil in your heart. I must heal you. MOON ETERNAL CRYSTAL HEALING—Gaughhh!" Sailor Moon started to pull a white and red scepter out of her hand and began a drawn out interpreted dance, but as she got half-way though it Buffy grabbed her by the throat with hand and yanked the scepter away with the other.

"I'm not going to stand here and let you not going to throw this at me either!" She said just then Buffy was struck painlessly in the back by a single rose. She turned around to see a tall man in a tuxedo, mask, and top hat standing atop the swing set.

"You should always brush your teeth once in the morning, once at night, and after every meal and snack. This will make your teeth clean, and prevent the gum disease gingivitis." He said.

"Great, now what's his deal. I thought these were one-on-one battles." Buffy groaned.

"That's Tuxedo Mask. He always comes to rescue me with his special attack whenever I'm in danger." Sailor Moon swooned.

"And his special attack is throwing a flower at you and spouting out a moral?"

"Uh-huh."

"And this works on the enemies of your world?"

"I have a talking cat." Sailor Moon smiled

"I'm officially in hell." Buffy grumbled and blew a stray strand of hair out of her eyes. She then proceeded to pick Sailor Moon up, and throw her at the well-dressed stranger.

"There how do you like having things thrown at you." Buffy said proudly as she stood over the two unconscoious adversaries.

Just then Buffy was hit by a beam of light and another ominous voice announced

"**TEAM BUFFY vs. TEAM STEVE-0: 2-0"**

"That should have counted for two!" She shouted back up. The sky began to split open and a giant floating Magic 8-ball appeared and sucked Buffy up inside of it. Buffy was then spit out of the 8-ball that was lying on the floor of the Magic Box.

"Buffy!" Xander yelled and ran to hug his friend.

"Xander!" She yelled accepting the hug.

"Is it finally over?" He asked her.

"I hope so. I mean I have been in some bad fanfics, but this definitely takes the cake. The worst thing is how the author keeps on dragging the story on and on in all these tiny little chapters with absolutely no meat to them. I bet he's not even going to finish the story in this chapter either." Buffy complained.

TO BE CONTINUED…

"You see what I mean? You know he only does this to milk reviews."

NEXT TIME ON BUFFY the CLICHÉ SLAYER: Rounds three and four: Willow vs. Tarot and Anya vs. Mary Sue! See you soon!


	15. Chapter 2 and a half: The Lost Chapter

Author's Note: Don't forget to pick up milk and bread from the store.

Author's Real Note: Ok technically this chapter violates some of the rules of and of good writing, but it's all for the sake of one really bad joke so bear with the next chapter will actually continue the story.

Previously on Buffy the Cliché Slayer...

Buffy: Who are you, and what do you want?

Steve-0: I am your writer, and I've been sent here to send you into different fanfic genres.

Amy: Hey! Why wasn't I in the prologue with all the other Buffy Allies? I played a huge role in season 6! I got Willow addicted to magic, and I use to be a rat!

Everyone gets sucked into the 8-ball (except Angel, he was too fat.)

Willow: Where are we?

Giles: We must be inside the Magic 8-ball.

Xander: Hey, the magic 8-ball looks a lot like the Magic Box. Hey look a bookshelf.

Anya: Yeah and these books have different titles of fanfic genres.

Spike: I bet if we open the books we'll find a way out of here.

Everyone gets sucked into a different book

(Boy this fic certainly does suck)

Ritchie: Don't do it Fonz there's no way you'll be able to jump over the Buffy bus with your motorcycle!

Fonz: EY!

And now the exciting continuation of...

Buffy the Cliché Slayer

Right after...

Chapter 2

"Hush 2: An intermission"

Steve-0 and Angel sit across from each other at the table staring at the crystal ball that recently had revealed itself as a Wal-Mart lawn ornament……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Silence...

SO YOU WANT TO PLAY CARDS OR SOMETHING?

"No." Angel said darkly……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I'VE GOT TRIVIAL PURSUIT...

"Go away."………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

LOOK WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO STAY HERE IN THE MAGIC BOX TILL THE END OF THE FANFIC, SO WE CAN EITHER MAKE THE BEST OF IT OR WE CAN SIT HERE AND STARE AT THE LAWN ORNAMENT IN SILENCE. THE CHOICE IS ALL YOURS FATTY.

Silence...

To Be Continued


	16. Chapter 14: Tabula Rastafarian

Author's Bank Note: $$$

AN: Yay! I've officially become one of those annoying writers who start a story and then wait like a year to update it! Aren't you guys happy for me? Guys? What are you doing with those pitchforks and torches?

Dedicated to movie Superman from Chapter 6:

1952 2004

_"Yeah, except for the fact that all Tom Welling is good for is running over bad guys with Movie Superman's wheelchair." Chapter 6: The Dork Age._

_Yeah, don't I feel like an now._

**Buffy the Cliché Slayer**

**Chapter 15**

"**Tabula Rastafarian"**

**Round 3**

"**Tarot vs. Willow"**

The sky opened up on the streets of Sunny Dale and Willow and Tarot crashed to the Earth. Willow landed on a car, while Tarot landed on the street.

"Ouch! You $#-hole, you couldn't have me land on a giant pillow or something! I'm on your team, for &'s sakes!" Tarot shouted up at the sky.

Suddenly a large paint brush appeared and proceeded to paint a large pillow over Tarot's head.

"Too little. Too late." She grumped. Then gravity took over and the pillow fell on her mulleted head and fell apart in a massive explosion of feathers.

"You're despicable."

"Um…excuse me," Willow interrupted as she rolled off the indented Lexis. "Ouch…aren't we supposed to be fighting to our deaths or some nonsense like that?" She asked.

"Yeah that's right, Mom. Me and You, I've got 9 years worth of therapy to work out on you." The half-pint mullet threatened as she charged her hand up with dark green energy.

"Now, let's not be hasty. I'm much older than you and I don't want to hurt you." Willow said nervously.

"Hurt me? The only time you seemed remotely threatening was when you skinned Andrew alive. Other than that your scariest trick was to cause everyone to relive a tired old Star Trek plot." Tarot said as she shot a bolt of witch power at Willow.

"Tabula Rasa was a good episode! Why does everyone pick on season six so much?" Willow yelled as she dodged behind the Lexus to avoid the blast.

"Because it had more angst then the entire first two seasons of Dawson's Creek and One Tree Hill combined! Grrraaaaa!" The child lunged at Willow and tackling her and unleashing a fury of blows.

It took Willow most of her strength to push the child off of her. Tarot was flung off the young witch and landed in the street with a nasty Thud The little girls eyes began to well up with tears,

"How dare you?" She asked. "I'm just a child."

Willow became overridden with guilt having struck the child and painfully lifted herself off the ground to see if the Tarot was okay.

"I-I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I was just trying to protect myself." She stammered and offered her hand to the little girl.

"Sucker." The girl snarled and latched onto Willow's wrist with her teeth.

"Yeeow!" Willow flailed her arm trying desperately to shake the child off. In doing so she accidentally knocked Tarot against the passenger side of the Lexus, knocking the child unconscious.

Just then Willow was cascaded by a beam of light. And an ominous voice announced:

"**TEAM BUFFY vs. TEAM STEVE-0: 3-0 This fight was brought to you in part by Lexus. Drive in style with Lexus."**

The sky began to split open and a giant floating Magic 8-ball appeared and sucked Willow up inside of it. Willow was then spit out of the 8-ball that was lying on the floor of the Magic Box.

"Will!" Xander yelled. "Oh it's a regular first season reunion!" He rushed forth to hug the redhead. Buffy soon followed suit.

"Ugh remind me to never adopt children. Not even Second Generation fanfic children."

"Don't worry, Will, as long as the Republicans are in the white house you'll never be allowed to anyway." Xander said darkly.

"Since when did this fic become a political satire?" Buffy asked.

"Every once in a while an author will stick in his or her political views or causes subliminally in a fanfic. I read all about it in this 'Fanfiction for Dummies' book, while I was waiting for you two." Xander said as he picked up the yellow and black tome.

"I wonder how the others are doing." Will said absently as she stared at the 8-ball.

**Round 4**

"**Anya vs. Mary Sue"**

The sky opened up above the locker lined halls of Sunnydale High School, and Anya floated gracefully and landed neatly and nicely on the floor.

"Thank you, Steve-0." She said looking p and giving the sky a cute little curtsey. Just then that red axe looking thing from season seven flew passed her right ear and embedded itself into one of the lockers. The axe was so close to striking her it managed to slice off a few hairs from the right side of her head.

"Like it?" A voice called out. Anya turned to see Mary Sue decked out in a full arsenal of weapons. "I got as a gift from Buffy when I single handedly defeated the First in one blow." She bragged.

Anya made a break for it, and began dashing down the halls as Mary Sue shot at her with a crossbow.

"On second thought, Steve-0, screw you. You put me up against this demi-god in a pink dress on purpose didn't you? I'm not supposed to survive this fight because I'm technically dead. Well I'll show you." She said to herself, and I guess me as she made her way to the cafeteria.

Mary Sue followed her slowly and gingerly. At first she thought she had lost her, but as soon as she turned the corner she caught sight of the swinging doors of the cafeteria. Mary Sue put down her crossbow, and pulled out her broadsword. She gently pushed open the door and entered the dark cafeteria.

"I feel just awful about killing you like this, Anya, I was hoping we could have been really good friends." She said as stabbed her sword through a table that she thought Anya might have been hiding under.

Anya had found refuge in the pantry area of the kitchen and was hiding behind one of the many shelves.

"Think, Anya, Think. How do you defeat something that is perfect and undefeatable? I mean I've beaten tougher opponents. Remember when the Mayor turned into that uber-demon and I….oh wait that was Buffy. Well what about that time I defeated Glory, she was a god…no, that was also Buffy. Okay. How about that time when Willow went crazy and became that super witch? No, that was Xander, of all people. Darn, I'm beginning to think my only purpose on this show was to be cute and funny, and to provide extra angst for Season Six. Oh wait what about the time when we had to face The First evil and I…died a horribly anti-climactic death… $#&!" Anya thought aloud. She began to survey her surroundings for something to fend off the peppy perfectionist. That's when she noticed the small tub of cooking grease.

"Perfect."

Mary Sue was beginning to grow impatient as she quietly stalked the rows of tables. She made her way closer and closer to the serving area.

"Oh Anya…come out, come out, wherever you are." She called.

"Ugh! I can't believe you said that line." Anya groaned as she popped out from behind the serving counter.

"I mean it's so cliché!" She yelled as flung the cooking grease right into Mary Sue's face.

"How's that for a witty catch phrase after delivering a finishing move." Anya bragged. Mary Sue just stood there drenched in cooking grease, completely befuddled by the events that had just occurred.

"What was that suppose to do?" She asked.

"You'll see." Anya smiled.

"Too bad you won't." Mary Sue said as she readied her sword. "Get ready to feel a sense of deja-vu." She said as she swung her sword at Anya. Anya calmly pulled her compact from her pocket and held the mirror up to Mary Sue's face before the blade made contact, and Mary Sue fell to the floor.

"W-What did you do to me?" The girl cried burying her face in her hand.

"Simple. Your entire existence is based on your perfection. So I just made you imperfect. You see once that cooking grease made its way inside your pores. It caused them to clog therefore creating what the mortals of this world call acne. Without your perfect beauty, you lose your perfection, and pretty much your relevance to this reality." Anya said smugly. But her explanation fell on deaf ears as Mary Sue slowly began to melt away.

"I'm melting, melting! I'll get you next time Gadget! Next Time! Will I dream, Dave? Silly Anya, Love means never having to say your sorry, " Mary Sue gasped in a montage of pop culture lines of deaths scenes

Just then a beam of light hit Anya, and an ominous voice announced:

"**TEAM BUFFY vs. TEAM STEVE-0: 4-0! This fight brought to you in part by Panola Cooking Oil. For all your frying needs.**

"When did we get corporate sponsors?" Anya asked the light.

**Well I figured since it worked so well for The Fantastic Four Movie…**

Just then the sky began to split open and a giant floating Magic 8-ball appeared and sucked Anya up inside of it. Anya was then spit out of the 8-ball that was lying on the floor of the Magic Box.

"Anya!" Xander cried and embraced his once dead ex-fiancé whom he would occasionally get back together with throughout Season 7 because the fans were so mad that the wedding thing didn't go through.

"Not to sound insensitive or anything but, shouldn't you be dead?" Willow asked.

"I guess I found a loophole." Anya said smiling.

"Ridiculous resurrections use to be my shtick." Buffy grumped.

"Man, Steve-0's team must really suck if all four of us were able to win." Xander noted.

"Let's just hope Giles and Spike are as lucky as we were." Anya said as she stared at the 8-ball.

**Next Time on Buffy the Cliché Slayer: Are Giles and Spike as lucky as they were? Find out when we bring you Spike vs. Bob the Universal Janitor, and Giles vs. Cyborg Giles. Heck, we'll even throw in Angel vs. Woody. See you then! Buffy the Cliché Slayer is brought to you in part by Baby GAP.**


	17. Chapter ?: VillainsWho Write Fanfics

Author's Notary Public: Hal Rayner.

Author's Note: You ever notice how some authors have to leave an author's note before each chapter rather they have something to say or not? It's like some obsessive-compulsive disease they have to waste space with their pointless meanderings. At least I hope they're pointless. I don't know I never read them. I also skip the preface and Introductions in books too…and sometimes the first three chapters. I'm a get straight to the action type of guy though. And speaking of action, have you been reading these past few chapters. Wow! I mean I have no idea what's going on in this story, but these fight scenes are intense! But I don't need to tell you the reader that Right?...Right?...Ah who am I kidding? Nobody reads these author's notes…hmmm….I know where Sadaam hid the weapons of mass destruction. I've known all along. Whew! Boy does that feel good to get off my chest. Hey! What are you doing here? I'm under arrest? Hey easy! No, don't take my computer! Anything but that! All my pornography's in there! Curse you Patriot Act! You weren't supposed to read the Author's Note! You're never supposed to read the author's note!

Author's P.S. Oh I almost forgot. This was my favorite review ever.

Dark-Wiccan-Goddess "I really want to kick the sht out of u at the moment."

Yowch! I'm sorry you didn't like the story, Good Witch Glenda. Actually I don't really care. But, seriously, kicking the Sht out of me? That's a tad harsh. Couldn't you had insulted my mother or a simple hate mail would have been fine. Anyway Congratulations Elphaba you made it into the fic!

**Buffy the Cliché Slayer.**

**Chapter God, who knows anymore!**

**Somewhere between 14 and 17**

"**Villains…who write fanfiction."**

Lindsey floated around in a vast white void. His arms were crossed and he had a sour look on his face.

"Oh I get it." He grumped.

"You don't have any more use for me in this fiction, so I've been banished back to obscurity. Yeah, well don't come crawling back when you attempt to write a sequel. Nobody's going to read Buffy the Cliché Slayer Version 2.0 or whatever idea you got cooking up in that twisted brain of your. Just leave me out of it ok." He said as he floated in the sea of nothingness. "This whole story's pointless. I've been in better slash fic."

THE MAGIC BOX.

"Willow surely you know a spell or something that can get them back." Buffy pleaded. "That madman's still got Giles and Spike in there."

"And Angel." Anya added helpfully. Buffy looked at her thoughtfully, and then looked back at Willow.

"That madman still has Spike and Giles in there!" She repeated.

"I'm sorry Buffy. But fanfiction magic is the strongest magic in existence. I would have to turn my hair color blue to even remotely tap into its power, and Fred all ready used that trick when she turned into Illyria." Willow said

"Well, there must be something we can do. What if we used this crystal ball to watch how they are doing?" Xander suggested pointing to the glass orb sitting at the table.

"That's a Wal-Mart lawn ornament." Buffy said deadpan.

"Oh. Nevermind then."

**Round 5**

"**Fat Angel vs. Principal Woody."**

A hole in the sky opened up above Buffy's apartment circa: Season 7…and ANGEL WOULD HAVE FELL OUT EXCEPT HIS SS WAS TOO BIG TO FIT THROUGH THE PORTAL! The voice of the narrative yelled as Angel struggled and grunted trying to wedge himself through the rip in the space-time continuum.

"Look…umph…could you maybe give me a bigger portal?" Angel pleaded sticking halfway out of reality like Winnie the Pooh stuck in a bloody honey tree. (Author's Note: Which begs the question. Since when is honey made in tree? That always bugged me about those books.)

THE PORTAL'S ONLY COME IN ONE SIZE, LARDO CARESSIAN!

Principal Woody popped his head from around the corner.

"Hey, what's the hold up? I was ready to make my dramatic entrance through the backdoor, but there's nobody here to make an entrance for."

FAT ANGEL GOT HIS BUTT STUCK IN THE PORTAL…AGAIN!

"Hold on, honey, I got just the thing." Woody said as he pulled a jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.

"Never leave home without it." Woody said as he quickly lubed the area between Angel and the portal. "Now suck in that gut girlfriend!" Woody said as he pulled on Angel a roll of Angel's fat.

Angel took a deep breath in and finally popped out upon the carpet. The portal sealed up quickly from behind. Angel got up and dusted his duster off, and extended his pudgy handout to Woody.

"Thanks for the…uh…assistance."

Woody smacked his hand away and scowled.

"Girl, put that fat thing away. We're here to fight not SHAKE HANDS." Woody said as he unleashed a barrage of slaps.

While the slaps were not so much painful as they were annoying. They bugged the fat vampire immensely. It was bad enough that he had spent 15 some chapters getting made fun of for being a few pounds overweight, now he was getting gently pummeled by an effeminate black man in a pink cat suit. Enough was enough. Angel's face converted to vamp face and he flung Woody across the room.

Woody lay there stunned at what had just taken place and then he blew loudly on a whistle he had pulled from his pocket.

"What's that suppose to do? Hurt my ears?" Angel said condescendingly.

"You'll see." Woody said with a wink. Just then there was a knock on the door. Angel turned, and answered it.

At the door was a short balding man in thick glasses carrying a briefcase. Behind him stood two large policemen.

"Mr. Angelus?" The man said.

"Yes?"

"Mr. Angelus I'm Paul Fink with the ACLU. We've just received reports that you have just committed a double hate crime."

"That's right, officers, he brutally attacked me because I'm black and gay." Woody yelled as he stood up.

"What?"

"That's all we need to hear, book him guys." Mr. Fink motioned as the two policeman began to cuff Angel and read him his rights.

"But...but…you don't understand! This is fanfiction combat. I had to hit him!"

"Tell it to the judge, fatty." Paul said as they led Angel away.

"I don't need this. I'm doing a voice on Kingdom Hearts 2! Plus I'm on a hit drama on FOX and those always last forever. Right Tru Calling? Right?" The policemen took angel into the squad car and drove away.

Just then Woody was cascaded by a beam of light. And an ominous voice announced:

"**TEAM BUFFY vs. TEAM STEVE-0: 4-1**

"What do I win?"

The sky began to split open and a giant floating Magic 8-ball appeared and sucked Woody up inside of it. Woody was then spit out of the 8-ball that was lying on the floor of the set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

ALL THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING BETTER.

"Somebody needs a crossover makeover!" Carson squealed.

Woody looked up to the sky and said "Thank-you."

**Round Six**

"**Cyborg Giles vs. Regular Giles."**

**The most polite death match ever**

A hole opened above the library in Sunnydale High and Giles fell through it, landing behind the librarian's desk with a thud.

"Well, that was rather unpleasant now wasn't it?" The Englishman muttered. Giles leapt to his feet and dusted himself off. "Now to figure out where I am."

"You're at the library of your own demise, my good man, and I'm about to file you under Ancient History under the Dewey Decimal System of Death." Cyborg Giles threatened as he turned the corner in a swagger that could be described as a cross between Robocop and The Terminator if they were both played by Hugh Grant.

"My God, man." Human Giles wrinkled his nose at his opponent's entrance line.

"What?"

"Dewey Decimal System of Death?"

"You don't like it?"

"It's bloody awful."

"What's wrong with it? I thought it was rather witty. I was up all night working on it."

"Well first off, there is no Ancient History section under the Dewey Decimal System."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm quite sure. There are only nine categories"

"What about subcategories?"

"There are subcategories?"

"Of course, there are subcategories. What kind of librarian are you?"

"What kind of cyborg are you? Where are your lasers, or death rays, or chainsaw hands? We're in a death match, and you don't even have a weapon!"

"Neither do you."

"But you had the upper-hand."

"True, but I had to come up with that opening threat. That took some time to perfect. You should have heard some of the ones I didn't use."

"Oh? Like what?"

"Hmmm…let me see…there was..um…'You're about to be overdue.'"

"Well that doesn't even make sense."

"That's why I scrapped it. There was also "You're going to need a library card to check out the thrashing I'm going to give you."

"That one's kind of clever."

"Thank you. Then there was 'Please be quiet, people are trying to kill each other.' Or 'I'm going to knock you off your shelf.' It was a very difficult task. Librarian-theme threats aren't very intimidating."

"I see, but I must digress for I fear we may be getting off the subject."

"What subject is that?"

"The Battle to our deaths."

"Oh right! Pardon me, I almost forgot all about that. If I remember correctly you were asking me about if I had in weaponry installed in my cybernetic body. Correct?"

"Yes, being cyborg, do you have any advantages that would prove to be unfair when pitted against a human adversary?"

"Well, I can read and retain information from books really quickly."

"You mean you have various fighting styles programmed into you? Like the Terminator?"

"More like Johnny Five from those Short Circuit movies. I even sometimes like to call it "Input" and flip the pages really fast like in the movie."

"So you're saying we're completely evenly matched."

"Aside from the reading thing? Yes. Oh, and my body is entirely made out of metal and wires, and since I have the strength of a machine if I punched you my arm would more than likely go straight through your body." Cyborg Giles said.

"Well…that's good to know." Human Giles gulped and surveyed his surroundings. His eyes spotted a coffee mug filled half-way with water.

"Since we are both British, I recommend that we keep this fight fair and polite by using the Queen's rules. Since we've already established that I have the upper-hand, I will level the playing field and give you time to arm yourself with the weapon of your choice. I, of course will be using fisticuffs." (That's British stereotypical colloquialism, for fighting with your bare hands.) Cyborg Giles stated as he put up his dukes. (That's American stereotypical colloquialism, for hoisting up two rednecks, who recklessly drive an orange car named after a Civil War general.)

"Then I shall use this coffee cup." Giles said as he picked up the mug.

"That's a rather odd choice, but I'll allow it. Shall we?" Cyborg Giles bowed politely.

"We shall." Giles bowed politely also, and then threw the water on to Cyborg Giles causing him to short circuit ironically like the obscure 80's movie they had earlier referenced.

"Oh dear, I do believe you have slain me. Tell me something, Giles, will I dream…." Cyborg Giles asked as his body began to smoke and convulse. Finally, the robotic Englishman exploded catching Giles in the blast. The watcher wearily picked himself off the floor, dusted himself off, and straightened his lapel. (I don't even know what a lapel is.) Just then he was bathed in a white light as an ominous voice announced:

**Team Buffy vs. Team Steve: 5 1**

Just then the sky began to split open and a giant floating Magic 8-ball appeared and sucked Giles up inside of it. Giles was then spit out of the 8-ball that was lying on the floor of the Magic Box.

"Well that was quite pointless." Giles stated.

"Giles!" Buffy and the scoobies exclaimed and tackled Giles in a welcoming embrace.

"Take it easy, I haven't been this well received since my 'returning' appearance at the end of the season six cliffhanger." Giles laughed.

"Have you seen Spike?" Buffy asked. Just then the portal opened and Spike landed on top of Giles.

"Bloody hell, I'm glad that's over with." Spike groaned.

"Get off of me! You rubbish oaf." Giles cursed pushing Spike aside.

"Spike, you're alive!" Buffy squeaked and jumped into his arms. "I was worried about you."

"As you should have been, pet. That back there was probably the toughest fight I ever fought." Spike said.

"Why? What happened?" Willow asked, because she hasn't had a line in a while.

"Well…"

TO BE CONTINUED.

Next time on Buffy the Cliché Slayer: Steve-0 will procrastinate, and work on other projects and school until he gets a random review that reminds him he needs to finish this story.


	18. Chapter 16: Serenity

Author's Memo: Don't forget to finish those CPS Reports by Friday. Have a good week-end

**Buffy the Cliché Slayer**

**Chapter 16**

"**Serenity"**

**PREVIOUSLY ON BUFFY THE CLICHÉ SLAYER:**

"Have you seen Spike?" Buffy asked. Just then the portal opened and Spike landed on top of Giles.

"Bloody hell, I'm glad that's over with." Spike groaned.

"Get off of me! You rubbish oaf." Giles cursed pushing Spike aside.

"Spike, you're alive!" Buffy squeaked and jumped into his arms. "I was worried about you."

"As you should have been, pet. That back there was probably the toughest fight I ever fought." Spike said.

"Why? What happened?" Willow asked, because she hasn't had a line in a while.

"Well…"

TO BE CONTINUED.

Next time on Buffy the Cliché Slayer: Steve-0 will procrastinate, and work on other projects and school until he gets a ran--

"Hey!" Lindsey shouted.

HEH HEH HEH…LINDSEY…UM WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

"You wrote me out of the story, remember?"

NOT REALLY, I NEVER REREAD A CHAPTER AFTER I'VE WRITTEN IT. I CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH FANCY THINGS LIKE CANON AND CONTINUITY.

"But didn't I just catching you copying and pasting the ending of your last chapter into this one?"

SAY LINDS, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO SIGNING A CONTRACT FOR MORE AIRTIME IN MY NEXT FIC?

"I'd say, 'Why are we just standing around chatting it up in the omnipresent void of narrative, when we could be finishing up this fic!"

EXACTLY

**THE MAGIC BOX**

Spike leaned up against the cabinet, and lit a cigarette.

"As I was saying, I just got finished fighting the toughest opponent I ever faced."

"Tougher than the demon you fought in order to get your soul back?" Anya asked.

"Yeah."

"Tougher than your fight against The First and the demons of the Hellmouth?" Buffy asked.

"Ten times tougher." Spike bragged.

"Tougher that the time you 'Rocked the Cradle of Love' just in time to go into a 'White Wedding?'" Xander asked.

"Even tougher than…Hey! Wait a minute, that wasn't me! That was Billy Idol, you bloody git!"

"Sorry, I have a hard time telling you two a part." Xander shrugged.

"Why don't you just start from the beginning, Spike?" Giles suggested trying to progress the plot.

"Very well..."

**Round Seven**

"**Spike vs. Bob the Universal Janitor."**

FLASHBACK! Doodly doo Doodly doo Doodly doo.

A hole opened up in the middle of night sky above the Sunnydale Cemetery and Spike fell out.

"Ow, Bloody Hell, this fic is going to kill me." Spike said as he painfully picked himself back up.

"I thought you were already dead." A voice said. Spike turned to see Bob the Universal Janitor leaning against a mausoleum eating an apple.

"Who the hell are you are you suppose to be?"

"Bob. I'm a janitor who was granted omnipotence in order to clean up continuity glitches found in fanfiction. Unfortunately, Steve-0 keeps me so busy I don't have any time to fix anyone else's stories. But you never answered my question. Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Bob said in between bites.

"I was for a bit. Sacrificed my life at the end of Season 7, turned into Casper the friendly ghost in the last season of Angel in order to draw in Buffy viewers, and then finally I was turned back to normal." Spike explained. Bob just looked at Spike in silence for a long time until finally said…

"Really?"

Spike nodded.

"That's fcking stupid."

"Hey, I didn't write it."

"No, that's like when they shot JR on Dallas and then brought him back the next season claiming that the whole thing was just a dream. I mean, yikes. Hahaha!" Bob bent over with laughter.

"Look, are we going to fight or what?"

"Hehehe! Sure, or I could you know just sacrifice myself to you, and come back as a ghost in a Star Gate fanfic!" Bob continued to laugh hysterically.

"That does it. I've had enough of this bloody—"Spike vamped out and swung with all his might at Bob's face, but Bob blocked the blow with one hand.

"Spikey, Spikey, Spikey, what part of omnipotent did you not understand?" Bob smiled as he launched the vampire across the cemetery and through three tombstones. Spike pulled himself to his feet and staggered forward.

"Is that all you got? Hmmph, I've fought tougher blokes than you." Spike scoffed as he wiped a bit of blood from his chin. Bob just smiled and broke his mop in half.

"Very well, then." He said, and then leapt twenty feet in the air and lunged the sharp edge of his mop at Spike. Spike jumped out of the way as the mop shattered through the tombstone behind him. Spike lands a blow to Bob's back before he can turn around which forces him to the ground. Bob returns the blow with a sweeping kick that knocks Spike to the ground too.

"You fight well, vampire. But it's futile. I'm the mascot for these cliché stories, you don't honestly think Steve-0 would let you kill me. Do you?" Bob said getting to his feet and preparing to deliver a final blow to the fallen vampire. Spike clutched to the loose dirt in preparation of his impending doom.

"Yeah, actually I do." Spike said as he threw the dirt in Bob's eyes.

"Ahh! My eyes!" Spike knocked Bob to the ground and grabbed the mop from the janitor's grip.

"You see, I'm a fan favorite. If Steve-0 kills me off it would tick off his reviewers, and like it's been stated in this fic many times before." Spike drove the sharpened end through Bob's chest which exploded with white light as the janitor imploded on himself until there was nothing left but the burnt grass beneath him. "Steve-0 is a total review whore."

"**TEAM BUFFY vs. TEAM STEVE-0: 6-1!"**

"Now who the bloody hell said that?"

"**I DID"**

"And who are you?"

"**I'M THE GHOST OF ROD RODDIE." Look it up on the IMDB.**

Just then a giant, floating, glowing magic 8 broke through the dark clouds above, and Spike was immediately sucked up inside it.

END FLASHBACK Doodly do! Doodly do! Doodly do!

"And so here I am." Spike recounted as he snuffed out his cigarette.

"So that's it then. We won." Buffy said almost amazed that the whole ordeal was over.

"Well, all of us except Angel." Xander noted.

"Like Buffy said, we won. We're back home, and everything's back to normal." Giles noted.

"Well, not exactly, I mean, the Magic Box shouldn't even exist since Sunnydale is supposed to pretty much be a hole in the ground." Willow noted.

"Yes, and I know we've used this plotline before, but I appear to be back from the dead again." Anya noted.

"So maybe this isn't over…" Giles said a slight trace of terror in his voice.

"NO, NO, IT'S OVER. I DON'T WANT TO WRITE ANYMORE. THIS STORY IS DEFINITELY OVER." Steve-0 said as he suddenly materialized in front of the door. "YOU BEAT ME. FAIR AND SQUARE. SO I WROTE YOU ALL IN A SUNNYDALE WHERE YOU CAN ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT IS STILL ALIVE. THERE'S NO LIFE-THREATENING EVIL LURKING IN THE SHADOWS. AND YOU ALL CAN LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER HERE."

"Happily ever after? What is that?" Giles asked.

"He's blaspheming in Joss Whedon's name! The first commandment in a Whedon series is that nobody gets to be happy for longer than a few episodes!" Xander shouted.

"RELAX THIS IS A FANFIC. IF THIS LITTLE MISADVENTER TAUGHT YOU GUYS ANYTHING I WOULD HOPE THAT IT WAS THAT POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS HERE, AND THAT FANFIC AUTHORS GOOD AND BAD HAVE THE POWER TO GO BEYOND WHAT THE SERIES CREATOR INTENDED. THIS IS A REALM THAT TOES THE LINE OF CREATION AND PLAGERISM. CREATING NEW WORLDS WITH IN EXISTING WORLDS. AND THIS IS THE WORLD I CREATED FOR YOU. SO ENJOY."

Everyone just looked at each other, confused by this gesture of kindness suddenly granted to them.

"Um…thank-you?" Willow offered.

"DON'T MENTION IT. NOW IF YOU'LL FORGIVE ME. I MUST TAKE MY LEAVE."

"So this is it then. No final fight. No bizarre twist. No shock ending. You just leave us here to live happily ever after?" Buffy asked

"I TOLD YOU. I'M TIRED. THIS FIC HAS GONE ON LONGER THAN I EXPECTED AND I JUST DON'T WANT TO WRITE IT ANYMORE. NOW IT'S BEEN FUN, BUT IT'S TIME TO GO."

"No." Spike said

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'NO?'"

"This is a lousy ending, and we did not just go through all that crap to have you just phone the conclusion in."

"PHONE THE CONCLUSION IN? I'M LEAVING OU ALL IN PARADISE AND YOU ACCUSE ME OF PHONING--. OKAY, SMART GUY, HOW WOULD YOU END IT?"

"Not like this." Xander said. "Where's the character death? Where's the final apocalyptic battle between good and evil?"

"THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE ONE. YOU GUYS ARE EXASPERATING! I GAVE UP! YOU GUYS WON! STOP BEING SO MASOCHISTIC! DO WANT ME TO SEND YOU THROUGH MORE FANFICTION PLOTLINES FILLED WITH CORNY JOKES AND BAD SIGHT GAGS? WE COULD MAKE THIS BUFFY THE CLICHÉ SLAYER BOOK ONE OF A EIGHTEEN PART SERIES IF YOU WANT."

"No, no. That's cool this ending's fine." Everyone said.

"GOOD. THEN IT'S SETTLED THEN."

"Not so fast!" Bob the Universal Janitor shouted as he burst through the door. He had a mop impaled through his chest and he was breathing heavily. He held a magic 8-ball in his hand.

"How you going to kill me off my own cliché story?" He pointed the 8-ball at Steve-0 and shot a blast of 8-ball magic at him. Steve-0 jumped just in time to avoid it. Steve-0 quickly opened a portal.

"WELL ANYWAY, IT WAS NICE MEETING ALL OF YOU. PERHAPS WE CAN DO A SEQUEL SOMETIME OR X-OVER FIC." He said quickly as he escaped through the portal with Bob hot on his heels. Buffy collapsed in a nearby chair.

"Whew, I think I'd rather destroy ten hellmouths then do that again."

"Well the important thing is that it's all over." Giles said.

"Or is it?" Xander said as he noticed a small black orb lying next to the cabinet. He picked it up to reveal a magic 8-ball. He nervously shook it and then held it away from him in fear of unlocking it's powerful magicks. But all it did was make a shaky noise.

"No, I think it's pretty much over" Anya stated.

"Well, I guess the only thing we can do now is live happily ever after." Willow said.

"And pray there's not a sequel." Spike said.

THE END…

OR IS IT?

NO, NO, I'M PRETTY MUCH SURE IT'S THE END THIS TIME

ALTHOUGH I HAVE SAID THAT BEFORE….

NO! THAT'S IT! IT'S OVER

FOR NOW….

STOP DOING THAT!


End file.
